


He was the autumn to my winter.

by DancingWithWildWolves



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Boarding School AU, Fluff and Angst, Generalised Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attack, Slow Burn, Sports Hernia, Sports Injury, The boys are such supportive friends, WIHL is the school, basically your typical senior year fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-11-05 11:49:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11012832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingWithWildWolves/pseuds/DancingWithWildWolves
Summary: When Nolan comes back to the Westminster Institute for Higher Learning, dubbed the WIHL by its students, and is assigned a roommate after two years of having his own room he isn't super pleased. But Nico might just be able to change his mind about that.The year that follows is filled with hockey, first love and new experiences.





	1. The Beginning of It All

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on real people so if that freaks you out please don't read it.
> 
> There is brief mentions of homophobia, in that a character is worried about coming out because he goes to an all boys christian school and plays a sport that is not seen to be very accepting of anything that deviates from the norm.  
> His sexuality is never an issue after this.
> 
> There is also mention of injury but it isn't graphic.
> 
> This is based on a mish mash of my own experiences of boarding school and the copious amounts of Enid Blyton I read as a child and so the school system is in no way accurate to the real Canadian schooling system.
> 
> Other than that, please enjoy.

Nolan had gotten pretty used to having his own room. I mean, senior privileges and all that. So getting an email from the boarding admin a few days before he was due back to tell him he was getting a roommate had been a bit of a shock.  


Some of his friends had made comments because, in all honesty, no one just goes to boarding school in sixth form. Everyone comes in first or fifth form and there’s always a few weird ones who join in between but Nolan actually cannot remember a single person who started at the Westminster Institute of Higher Learning (WiHL) in sixth form.  
Driving back to school with his dad was a well-established ritual that they both enjoyed. When Nolan was younger there had been more audiobooks and more tears about going back to school, now his dad asked about colleges and how the hockey team, that Nolan had been captain of for the past year, was going. The trees here were the faded red of autumn and the smell of rain welcomed them up the drive to the old brick buildings that he’d come to love.  


There was your typical first day back sounds echoing through the building and Nolan took his fair share of face washes and chirping about his new lack of flow in his stride. He just wanted to get to his room and make sure his bed was still his.  
Luckily for him it was, the new kid hadn’t arrived yet but the bronze name plate on the door now read 

6th Form  
Nolan Patrick  
&  
Nico Hischier

Huh, so that was the new kid’s name.  
He settled his bags on his bed and looked around. Another bed had been moved in and his desk moved to the end of his bed. The old radiator made an old clunking noise when he turned it on but soon settled in to a comfortable humming. Last winter it hadn’t worked at all and he’d been forced to crawl in with Tanner, who was just next door, a few times. He turned it off and faced his dad.  


He may be almost eighteen and this might have been the thirteenth time he’s been dropped off at boarding school but he always got the same gross feeling in his stomach and tightness in his throat no matter what. His dad gave him a big, gruff hug and told him to behave himself before heading off, leaving Nolan eyeing up his luggage. He has a routine for how he unpacks but he still has to take those few minutes to stare blankly at his luggage before he can start.  
Within minutes off him turning on some country music, Tanner and Kale have ambushed him. They’re sitting on Hischier’s bed and talking about their holidays while Nolan unpacks. The routine is so soothing and familiar that Nolan completely forgets about the roommate he’s going to have for the year.  


Predictably, by the time he’d finished the most rudimentary stages of unpacking, Tanner and Kale have gotten bored and dragged him off to say hi to everyone, leaving his stuff just dumped everywhere.  
He doesn’t mind. They’re his best friends and they’ve been doing this to him at the start of every term since the start of first form.  


Getting caught up with everyone takes a while, it always does after the summer but Nolan feels more settled with every passing moment.  
The familiar groaning that comes with their dorm master telling them it’s time to get washed up for dinner just cements things for him.  
Nolan likes routines and rituals. His older sisters tease him about it all the time but it doesn’t bother him. They just do it out of love – at least that’s what their mum always says.  
And so what if he gets a little overwhelmed when his routines are upset, that’s what boarding school is for. Boarding has an enforced schedule of when and where and how every single thing should happen and that suits him just perfectly. He can’t understand why the others can’t see the appeal of everything having a time and place but his dad tells him he just needs to accept that.  


He loves boarding because he lives with his best friends, everything is in its own place and he has his own quiet space and the school rink is probably his favourite place in the whole world.  
The only thing he really misses while he’s at school is his dogs but the groundskeeper has an old chocolate Labrador that never objects to a few tummy rubs.  
They break up into their regular groups for dinner and the headmaster gives his customary welcoming speech, complete with embarrassing the new kids and reminding everyone of the sections of the grounds that were forbidden after hours.  


“Basically, don’t go anywhere,” Kale groaned quietly to their table and they all try not to laugh. It’s not like anyone really pays attention to those rules anyway.  
Boarding school food is nowhere near as good as a home cooked meal but it isn’t the slop that movies would have you believe it was. Tonight’s a Sunday which means a roast followed by a trifle. They have the same thing week in and week out but as sixth formers they can walk into the nearest town, Newman’s Inlet, and get dinner there on a Friday or Saturday. Nolan actually cannot wait, he’s heard the stories from the seniors from last year, most of whom he played hockey with, about going into town and getting really good food and then going to parties and coming back way past the curfew. They got away with it because the Stromes and McLeods had been sending their sons to NIHL for years and had poured some serious money into the place. They’d have to work out how to manage it this year. There were always a few idiots who just got smashed on school grounds but that never ended well.  


The conversation had turned to girls the guys had gotten with over the holidays and Nolan kept his head down. Occasionally being taunted for never even been kissed was better than the alternative.  
He wasn’t sure how his friends would react to him being gay. It wasn’t like they’d hate him or try and get him kicked out of school but it wasn’t like they were popular. If Kale and Tanner and the rest of the hockey team ditched him, Nolan couldn’t think of a single person who would sit with him.  
He didn’t think the guys were overtly homophobic, just that they wouldn’t be cool with a gay guy sharing their locker rooms.  


Being in the closet at school meant he was in the closet at home as well. He couldn’t have his mum or dad accidentally slipping something to one of his teachers. Or even worse, what if one of his sisters said something to one of the guys when they visited.  
His friends were great guys but they were still jocks at an all-boys Christian boarding school – it was just safer to keep that part of himself tamped down and hidden.  
He let them rib him about his ignorance and laughed along when they dismissed Kale’s claims that one of the girls he got with was a Russian princess because, come on, who’s going to believe that.  


Soon, dinner was over with and it was back to their rooms for “Quiet Time” before bed.  
Nolan flung the door open and threw himself on his bed, narrowly missing crashing into his suitcase, Tanner howled a laugh after him and hightailed it to his room when Nolan threw a shoe after him.  
A soft laugh alerted Nolan to his new roommates presence and he sat bolt upright, hitting his head on the low hanging shelf above his bed. He swore loudly as sparkles danced across his vision.  


The boy standing by the other bed looked concerned but also like he was trying very hard not to laugh. Nolan got up gingerly and moved over to shake his roommate’s hand.  


“Hi, I’m Nolan.”  
“Nico Hirschier.”  
“Why’d you come to NIHL?” Nolan tried not to pry obviously but it was pretty clear the other boy had worked out exactly what he was doing.  
“My parents, they want me to do university in America. It’s better than in Switzerland and they think I have a better chance if I go to school here.”  
“Here is Canada though.”  
“I know that but they don’t. I didn’t want to go to school in America.” The Swiss boy grinned a sly grin and Nolan could tell that they’d get along quite well.  


They chatted about this and that as they unpacked and Nolan found out that while Nico had spent his whole life in Switzerland, he was a huge ice hockey fan and not too bad at the game and that had been his main motivation for choosing a school in Canada. He also seemed to have an affinity for jokes and pranks that would stand him in good stead at boarding school.  
Nolan had thought he would find it quite hard to get to sleep with someone else in the room but Nico’s even breathing seemed as natural as the creaking of the tall pines outside their window.  


Nolan would have to teach Nico how to jimmy the window to get out onto the roof. He wondered to himself if the other boy had ever learned all the constellations. That was his last conscious thought before falling asleep.

* * *

They fell into a routine pretty quickly, though Nolan did grumble the first few times Hisch’s alarm woke him up. It’s not like it’s a loud alarm, Nolan just doesn’t like waking up before he absolutely has to. Quarter past six is too early to be up when breakfast doesn’t open until quarter to seven. He’s told Hisch this – numerous times, but the Swiss boy had just laughed at his disgruntled face and headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth before he stretched.  


It’s gotten Nolan into the good habit of stretching almost every morning because he can’t exactly just lie in bed while Nico is teasing him about being lazy. Some days he does, because the air feels like it’s pressing in against his ribs, rough and uncaring. On those days, no amount of teasing or gentle persuasion can convince Nolan to get out of his bed until after Nico has come back from breakfast. He brings toast with butter and raspberry jam back and uses that to coax Nolan out of bed. Nolan should feel bad about this. Nico shouldn’t have to manage Nolan’s weirdness but sometimes Nolan can’t quite manage himself. Maybe admin were right when they decided to give him a roommate. It usually worked well and the guys who had roommates tended to be on the more chill side of things.

* * *

The first morning, Nolan woke up to the sound of Hisch’s weird alarm and groaned. The noise stopped and a weight settled down by his knees so he opened his eyes. It’s Nico, pe rched on his bed in pyjama pants and nothing else.  


“What time is breakfast?”  
“Quarter to seven,” Nolan just wanted to go back to bed.  
“Alright.”  


Nolan expected Nico to just go back to bed but the Swiss boy headed out of their room and came back five minutes later, only to settle down on the ground and stretch.  
Nolan tried to get comfortable and go back to bed but he found that he couldn’t, not now that Nico was up and moving around.  
So he rolled over and got out of bed, groaning as every bone in his body popped. When he turned around Nico was looking at the tie in his hand with thinly veiled disgust.  


“Have you never worn a tie?”  
“We don’t have uniforms in Switzerland. Do I really have to wear this?”  
“Yeah, yeah, you do. You’ll get used to it. I’ve worn it since I was thirteen and I’ve turned out okay.”  
“Sure you’re okay?” Nico teased before doing his tie.  
Nolan tried very hard not to laugh at Hisch’s unimpressed face.  
The uniform wasn’t even that bad and their school jumpers were even somewhat cozy.  
“I wear pyjamas to school in Switzerland, this is not “cozy”.”  


Hisch bitched about the uniform for a bit longer but was soon distracted by the prospect of food.  


Breakfast was a flurry of comparing time tables and trying to shovel down their food as quickly as possible. Nolan had Kale, Tanner or Nico in every one of his classes so he was pretty happy. Down the other end of the table Cody was pretending to sob on Kailer’s shoulder. Nolan raised an eye at Kailer who just flung his arms around Cody’s shoulders and beamed.  


“We no longer have Professor Cherry for English.” Kailer beamed around.  
“Is that good?” Nico asked Nolan, quietly.  
“Yeah, Cherry’s kind of a dick. He’s hated Kailer for years because he’s got some Japanese blood in him. But he sometimes helps coach our hockey team, which sucks.”  
“Kailer is the most Canadian person I’ve ever met and I have met you.” Hisch said it like it was just a fact. 

Nolan supposed he was quite Canadian. Then he thought about the photos plastered on his wall compared to the ones Nico had up. Nico’s photos were all gorgeous pictures of him with his family or friends at various castles and ski fields and vineyards. Nolan’s photos were not like that at all.  
His favourite photo was of him and his dad after a successful hunting trip. They’re beaming out at the camera and Nolan has a deer slung over his back. Most of Nolan’s photos are some combination of hockey, hunting, fishing or hiking. He can see how that makes Nico think of him as the most stereotypical Canadian ever and in all honesty, he doesn’t care. He just liked the way that Hisch had grinned at him after he’d said it – all sly and conspiratorial.  


They’re rushed off their feet from the moment the first bell goes. Nolan will never say school isn’t stressful but returning to the familiar routine of everything is quite comforting.

* * *

Nolan was on the ice with Coach Orr, waiting for the rest guys to show up, though there were already a few guys on the ice already warming up.  
The first training of the year was completely open to anyone who wants to come but after that, teams are selected. There’s always a first to third year team and then a fourth to sixth year team. It’s a little unorthodox but there’s a hockey club in Newman’s Inlet and the kids who don’t like the way the school runs its hockey team can play for the club. They have since before Nolan even came to WIHL.  


There’s a few guys who always make the team, like Kale and Tanner but also Tipp and Kailer and Glass. Nolan’s buddies with all of them but he’s never payed a huge amount of attention to any of the Quebecois or European kids before. They play good hockey but they aren’t on his line.  
He plays with Tipp and Nikita usually and it works well. He’s never even considered having different lineys. He’s been lineys with Tipp since they were the fourth line in fourth year, Nikita was a new addition to their line the year before and while they were all really good, Nolan and Tipp didn’t exactly click with him. So he’s just never really hung out with them. The guys at WIHL were kind of clique-y. The Europeans hung out with other Europeans and sometimes the French Canadians and the Canadians stuck to themselves.  
Though when he watched Nico warming up with them, he wondered what they’re really like. When he skated over to just check on Nico, they’re all chatting away in French. His ears went a little pink because his French is atrocious and he didn’t even want to try but luckily for him, Comtois caught sight of him.  


“What’s up, Cap?”  
“Just checking you all had good summers and that you’re ready to smash the boys from OIHL.”  
“Always. Even in my holidays, we’re beating them,” the way Comtois smiled was slightly vicious and that suited Nolan just fine. He shin tapped Nico and skated back to Coach Orr so they could start.  


The boys were fine, a bit rusty from a summer off but in pretty good shape. Nolan could definitely see them going to interschool playoffs again this year. Nico was, well, amazing. Nolan already found the Swiss boy ridiculously attractive but holy shit – this boy’s hockey.  
Nolan was not some Sidney Crosby hockey robot who got turned on watching hockey highlights but even he had to admit that it was pretty attractive when a guy could play that well.  
He wasn’t as pleased when Coach sent him the draft lines and it had a question mark next to his name and “maybe play Hirschier here” above it. As attractive and funny as he found Hisch, he was the 1C of the WIHL hockey team and the captain, it would be beyond embarrassing to be replaced by a transfer. 

* * *

They had a few more hockey practices that week and luckily Coach doesn’t move their lines around too much. He puts Nico on a line with Maxime Fortier and Cody Glass and they’re a great second line. Nolan may or may not have started training harder than ever before but that was totally irrelevant to the threat of losing his spot as the first line center.  
It’s kind of hard to think about Hisch as competition, especially when the other boy flopped onto Nolan’s bed and absolutely bemoaned Professor Cherry’s ridiculous English homework after school one day.  


“It isn’t even my first language, Paddy! Think about that. You should really do it for me,” he added with a smirk. Nolan just shoved his feet aside and made himself comfortable on the end of his own bed.  
“Like you’re going to do my maths homework.”  
“True.”  
“I’ll help.”  
“You’re the best.”  


Nolan tried not to flush at that but he knew that his ears had gone red. They always did when he was embarrassed or angry or even just awkward. It’s why he grows his hair out.  
That and to tell Tanner his hair is the best at WIHL – and hey, it’s true. Not even Yamamoto has tried to take that title. They dragged themselves to their desks to work.  
After the dormos had come by and enforced lights out, Nolan could hear Hisch’s tossing and turning so he turned on his phone light and shook the other boy.  


“Come on.”  
“What?”  
Nolan just grinned and went to work on the window. It was the only window on the entire floor that could be jimmied open and Nolan had been taking advantage of it since early last year.  


“Seriously, Paddy. What are you doing?”  
Nolan had gotten the window open and started climbing out, “Are you coming?”  
Nico huffed but followed him onto the roof.  


It was cold but they huddled together under the blanket Nolan had dragged out before. Once they’d gotten settled, a suitable distance apart while still managing to share the blanket, they looked out over the grounds. Nolan heard Nico’s sharp intake of wonder and smiled to himself. It was quite something, with the brightness of the stars overhead and the forest out to the north ahead of them.

The pines and maples were rustling with a light southerly wind that brushed their hair off their faces. Nolan breathed deeply, closing his eyes, and just taking in the bite of the window and the crisp smell of cold that reminded him of his family’s cottage in winter. Out here, all the pressures of sixth form and university next year and hockey this year seemed to fall away. His worries seemed insignificant under the wide star studded sky and he could breathe easily. He wanted to share that with Hisch.  


Nico nudged him gently, “What now?”  
“Just enjoy the quiet for a moment.”  
Nico murmured something about the weirdness of Canadians but acceded to Nolan’s request.  


They sat there, enjoying the silence and wonderful crispness of the autumn wind, for a while but soon talk turned to their childhoods.  
Nolan talked about summers spent hiking and exploring out by their family cottage and winters, curled up watching the snow and his mums amazing pumpkin soup that made coming home after playing pond hockey for hours, the best thing ever.  


Nico talks a lot about his siblings. He and his older brother have always been really close and so almost every story involves Luca. But his stories are similar ones even though they were raised in such different environments. Nico’s stories are about pick up soccer – football, he insisted – and skiing in winter.  
The key thing they have in common is their all-consuming love of hockey. Nolan was eligible for the draft until he suffered a series of injuries. Now, he’ll be lucky to even play in the AHL, scouts have long since stopped talking about him.  


He isn’t bitter about it anymore though Kale and Tanner have both born witness to more than their fair share of tantrums about it in the past.  
Nico loves the game but doesn’t have the same need for it that Nolan seems to have. It’s probably because the culture in Switzerland isn’t as pervasive as it is in Canada. He wants to go to university but he isn’t sure what he’ll study yet. He’s happy on the second line and he’s happy here in Canada.  
Nico decided that it was time for bed as soon as Nolan started getting emotional about him never having seen some American kids TV show about some boys that are in a band but also play hockey.  


Nolan was still trying to explain why this Big Time Rush was so important to his aesthetic as a hockey loving millennial. Nico wanted to tell him that technically they weren’t millennials, they were Gen Y, but he figured that it would be safer to just let Nolan rant.  
He’d moved on slightly from why the show is important but was likening their group to various characters.  


Nico did not understand why it was so hilarious that Kailer is like someone called Carlos and Cody is just like Kendall, but getting to see Nolan all happy and giggly was something special – though he was slightly curious about seeing a photo of Kendall because Nolan had said that he had Nico’s eyebrows.  
He’d started to get cold though and despite being from Europe, Canada is not the sort of place where sensible people sit on roofs at midnight in autumn. So, he unwrapped them from the blanket and dragged Nolan inside.  


Once they were inside, Nolan was perfectly happy to go to bed. Nico shook his head to himself and rolled over, his best friend was a weirdo. Best friend, when did that happen, he thought to himself but decided to just roll with it.  
Despite the chill in his hands, he felt warm all over. A soft warmth was emanating from his chest and he fell asleep to the thought that Canada had definitely been a good choice of place to go to school – especially if all the boys were as great as Nolan, who despite his very obvious straightness was exactly the kind of guy Nico usually fell for.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains discussion and description of injury, a hint at depression and description of hospitals.
> 
> If there is anything else that you'd like me to use warnings for, please don't hesitate to ask.

For their first hockey game of the season, the WIHL team were phenomenal. They always do well but it was still nice to know that they wouldn’t suck after all their senior talent from last year had all left to go play college hockey.

They played the OIHL boys and came out on top with the leader board being 5-3 at the end of regulation. Hisch scored a goal and Nolan got two assists – both of them on goals for Tipp. The atmosphere in the locker room afterwards was electric and even though it was only the first game of the season, Nolan had a good feeling about this year.

* * *

He has been injured on and off this past season and he has had to work harder than ever before to come back from his injuries. He’d had a sports hernia at the start of the year – in the middle of last season and had been benched for a while but he’d managed to come back from it. And then when they had discovered that his bones were more brittle than they ought to be – Swiss cheese where he should have had steel, he had worked through that as well.

There had never been anyone who came near Nolan’s ability on the ice, not in their year. So he’d never felt this uncomfortable twist of insecurity before Nico had arrived. It was a strange squirming feeling that tied his stomach in knots when he had to take his turn on the bench and watch Nico play. The Swiss boy was more than good enough to be their first line centre and Nolan needed to work harder to keep his place.

He was the captain – what was the point of being the captain if you weren’t the best player on the team? He knew that being the best technically wasn’t the most important thing in the world but for him, it felt like it should be. 

He was an average student, not the best but sitting comfortably on a B for most things, so if he wanted to go to a good university and make his mum proud, he needed to keep up his hockey.

His Cs in Maths, alongside the occasional D, could be entirely forgotten once he had gotten into university to study something he actually enjoyed studying. He was honestly considering history. He sat beside Nico in class and the Swiss boy always encouraged Nolan’s boundless enthusiasm about the impacts of the demise of post war communism or other topics that fascinated him and led others to call him bizarre. He didn’t mind that much because the older hockey players, who have all graduated now, used to call him Sidney Crosby and tease that the two of them would be good friends – what with them both being robotically focused on history and hockey.

But that didn’t matter yet, university was still a while away and for the time being, it was far more important for Nolan to focus on improving his game. 

* * *

Nolan had gotten used to the routine of Sunday morning church by now but by the way Nico grumbled at him, it was clear the Swiss boy had not. Still, he had to come because it was compulsory for boarders. Nolan managed to get Nico up and into something respectable and the two of them wolfed down a quick breakfast before joining the others walking to church.

The other boys on the hockey team had quickly adopted Nico and soon he was off, chatting with Maxime and Timo. Tanner elbowed Nolan, “Stop ogling the new kid. You’re being obvious as anything.” Nolan flushed, “I wasn’t ogling anyone. I was checking to see that my new roommate is settling in okay. Am I not allowed to be nice?” He was snappier than he had any right to be but Tanner’s comments had gotten a bit close to home. Maybe he was being overly possessive of Nico.

But he shrugged the thought off as he climbed the steps to church, his Nan had always told him that you can’t go into church thinking negative things or your whole week will be spoilt. Nolan wasn’t particularly religious but his Nan was so he figured she knew her way around things like that.

Nico came bounding over. “Maxime said you aren’t religious but you know how this church thing works so I should sit with you. We only go to church for Christmas and then I sleep through most of it.” Nico grinned unapologetically.

Nolan couldn’t help smiling back and thinking about how grateful he was for Nico, despite only knowing him for under a week. He opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by a sound of awe from Nico as they crossed the threshold. He looked around and remembered his first time at the church as a first former. He’d been overawed by the giantness of the place and the beauty of the stained glass windows as well. Nolan took a prayer book and hymnal from one of the priest and led Nico to his usual seat while the Swiss boy stared around in amazement. Nolan smiled absentmindedly at Nico’s delight.

“I know right. I’ve been coming to this church since I was about thirteen and it still takes my breath away. Wait till everyone starts singing.” Nolan couldn’t help but want Nico to keep smiling at him like that. 

The procession is led in and soon the entire congregation is singing in Latin. Nolan had forgotten how pretentious this all was but Nico didn’t even seem to notice. The actual service was conducted in English, thank God. But most of the songs were in Latin or some other old language that sounded suitably biblical.

After church, they walked back to school and Nolan was awake enough to take in the beauty of the forest that surrounded the school and its transition to the orange red that heralded winter. There was something about autumn that made him happy. It might have been that it was the start of hockey or even that it was the start of hunting season but the red of the trees and being able to drink coffee without overheating made something about the world seem better.

Nico was talking about winter at home in Switzerland to Kailer who was telling horror stories about Canadian winters to try and scare the foreigner but Nico was just laughing at him.

When they get back, there was hot drinks and toast for those that wanted it and then there’s compulsory homework time before lunch. After lunch they’re free to do whatever and Nolan usually spends this time at the rink running drills – because he’s the captain, he has a key, and he’s always liked to practice alone and clear his head before the stresses of the next week start up.

Nico tagged along and didn’t get in his way which is nice. Towards the end they even got some time to practice one timers together.

There’s something about the sound of new ice and the pucks rocketing around that settled something within Nolan and that’s probably the most Canadian thing he has ever thought but it’s true.

Tanner threw him a weird look at dinner when Nico told the boys that he and Nolan ran drills at the rink all afternoon. Nolan literally never lets anyone join him for Sunday drills at the rink.

* * *

But nothing came from it until the Sunday afterwards when Kale and Tanner decided to stage an intervention.

“Ok, so we know that you’re waiting to tell us the gay thing or you weren’t going to tell us at all but don’t you think we’d notice when you’re pining?” Kale jumped straight to it and Nolan tried not to flinch. “Dude, seriously,” Tanner interrupted what Kale was about to say, “You didn’t seriously think we’d care that you were gay? Strome and Marner were totally hooking up all of last year and no one gave a flying fuck. You’re our captain and our best friend, we don’t care if you like dick.” “Charming, Tanner,” Kale looks unimpressed, “I’m just trying to say, we’re here for you. But also, bud, don’t get hung up on a straight boy because I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend.”

Nolan spluttered and couldn’t actually work out anything to say, but in the end he didn’t have to because Kailer burst in with a demonic grin. “Boys, Tipp is going to eat a worm. Are you coming?”

And despite the deep and meaningful talk they’d been trying to have, they were still teenage boys.

* * *

Nolan had struggled a lot with injuries the season before and it still gave him this awful sick feeling when he thought about it. He knew that if Hisch had been around last year Nolan would never have made it back to 1C and that ate him up inside. 

He adored Hisch, like he’d never had a crush which he couldn’t reason away and suppress but with Hisch he couldn’t stop himself from smiling when the other boy was an idiot or blushing when Nico brushed passed him in their tiny room. Everything was going so well and even though he knew that Nico was straight he couldn’t help but over analyse all of their interactions when he’s falling asleep. He’s literally having such a good year and he was stupid not to think that something would happen to ruin it because just face it, that’s just the way his life always goes.

He woke up with a harsh pain stabbing through his lower stomach and down into his groin and he wanted to cry. He’s normally up and about when Nico gets back from brushing his teeth so they can stretch together but he was not getting out of bed while he felt like that. He turned towards the wall and curled in on himself, gritting his teeth and attempting to hold back the stupid tears. He hated this. 

He didn’t even know if it was a relapsed sports hernia but it hurt and he was scared. It wasn’t like he was aiming for the NHL or anything but he wanted to at least play college hockey. And if this kept happening there was no way in hell that was happening. He walked himself through the breathing exercises his physio had taught him last year and catalogued his pain properly.

It didn’t feel nearly as bad as the last time but it was still hurting especially when he moved. He could hear Hisch coming back into their room and moving around and he did not want to face him. How the hell would he even explain this? But Nico didn’t even nudge him, he left Nolan stewing with his own thoughts and twenty minutes later the door clicked shut. 

Shortly afterwards, Nico returned and Nolan felt the bed dip and a tentative hand rubbed across his side. “I brought toast.” Nolan’s breathing was laboured when he rolled over and Nico did not like how grey Nolan’s normally rosy face was. “Thanks, Hisch.”

Nico helped him sit up and he leaned heavily against the head of his bed as Hisch watched him, worry clearly written across his face. He nibbled at the toast but even the perfect balance of butter and raspberry jam couldn’t make him feel better. Toast with butter and jam always made him feel better. Nico knew that – it’s why he brings Nolan some whenever the Canadian has a grey morning, which he had probably assumed today was, just another one of Nolan’s grey mornings.

“Ok, I’m getting the nurse. You don’t look good.” “Don’t feel good,” Nolan knew better than to try and push through this. He tried that last time and it didn’t do anything but make his injury worse.

Nico poked his head into Cody’s room next door and made him go and get the nurse while he kept an eye on Nolan who was now almost throwing up from the pain. He rubbed circles on Nolan’s back while he frantically rummaged through the other boys side table for a hair tie. He knew Nolan had some, even though he thought they were douchey, his hair was getting long and got in his eyes a fair bit so his sisters had been tying it up whenever they could. He’d laughed about it with Nico – one of the times they’d sat on the roof and talked for hours – that over the summer Aimee had made him sit by her feet while they watched TV so she could braid his hair a few times because it was finally just long enough for her to practice on him.

So Nico knew Nolan had hair ties somewhere and he tried not to shout in achievement when he finally found one and used it to get Nolan’s hair out of his face while he retched into their waste paper basket. The bell for first period had already gone but Nico was not leaving Nolan alone when he felt this bad. The retching had slowed and Nolan was just leaning against him, face screwed up in annoyance at the pain.

The nurse finally arrived with Cody trailing behind her. He got shooed off to class immediately but when she tried to shoo Nico away he would not budge and Nolan told her she wasn’t allowed to send him off because he needed Nico there. She talked through what was going on and prodded at his stomach and sides. He clung to Nico’s wrist and shuddered as he tried to man up and get on with things.

Soon afterwards, Nico was sitting in the back of the nurse’s car with Nolan leaning heavily against him. Nolan was pale but was still poking fun at Nico and trying to follow the stream of German Nico was using to lecture him with. He had been using German because he couldn’t exactly tell Nolan he was a stupid idiot who made him worry too much and that he was pretty sure he was in love with him so this really wasn’t fair. Well, he could probably tell him the first bit. It was pretty standard hockey talk – especially between an alternate and his captain. The second bit was not something that his uber straight Canadian best friend would exactly appreciate.

So he lectured him in German when Nolan seemed alright and soothed in English when the other boys pain peaked.

* * *

Being in hospital was never a pleasant experience but for Nolan it was particularly nightmarish. They were going to operate on him immediately – as soon as they’d gotten permission from his parents, who had given it straight away. They’d managed to talk to Nolan for all of five minutes but his mother was going to drive up and pick them up a few days early. All their exams for the term were done and Nico was staying with Nolan’s family for Christmas because it was too hard for him to go back to Switzerland and Nolan couldn’t bear the thought of Nico by himself at school over the holidays and neither could Nolan’s mum who wrote to Nico’s family immediately and got everything arranged.

So while Nolan was on the operating table, Nico was fidgeting in the cafeteria and messing around on his phone. Nolan’s phone, sitting on the table in front of him, started buzzing and he answered it immediately when he saw the name flashing across the screen. It was Nolan’s mum, Carrie, calling.

“Hi Mrs Patrick, its Nico speaking.” “Hi darling, I’m about an hour and a half away so I’ll be there soon. Is there any news?” “They sent me to the cafeteria because I was hovering but apparently so far, so good and he’s doing well.” “Ok, that’s great. Do you need me to call the school and tell them why you aren’t there?” “The nurse, Angela, she already did that but thank you.” “No worries. How are you doing? Are you doing okay as well? It can be a little freaky when stuff like this happens.” “I’m okay. A bit – how you say in English? – shook?” “Shaken?” “Yeah, bit shaken but okay, will be better once Nolan is out of surgery.” “I think we all will, honey. I need to get back on the road but text me if anything happens – with either of you.” “Okay, bye. Safe driving.” It was starting to snow pretty heavily outside.

He bounced around for a little longer before deciding to walk back towards where Nolan was being operated on. It has been almost two hours since they started so they should be close to finishing.

Two hours had passed since then and he was sitting on one of these uncomfortable plastic chairs and playing candy crush while the machines that were hooked up to Nolan beeped steadily. Nolan was breathing just fine and starting to get a bit of colour back into his cheeks. Apparently, he should wake up any minute now.

Carrie hurried into the room and hugged Nico tightly. She was a tall woman and very much like Nolan. They sat together waiting for Nolan to wake up and talked about holiday plans. Nolan woke with a jolt and started panicking when he registered the tube down his throat. His mum soothed him quickly and he clung to her hand as he breathed slowly, adjusting to the tube.

Driving up to the Patrick’s cottage outside of Winnipeg was a long and slow trip, mainly because Nolan had slept the whole car ride and Nico had felt exhausted from stressing about Nolan for a solid twenty four hours.

* * *

Once they had gotten to the cottage though, things started to look up. Nolan was still a bit dopey from the pain killers, much to his sisters’ delight, and it meant that they got to spend the first few hours of their stay at the cottage, curled up in front of the fire and chatting with the girls. Maddie talked Nolan into a rant about Platypi that stupefied the whole group and Nolan found their lack of knowledge increasingly frustrating before simply stomping off to bed. 

It was only eight o’clock so Nico stayed to chat for a while longer before he followed Nolan up to their room. He’d be staying in Nolan’s room for the holiday because they had gotten so used to sharing after their first term. 

He likes Nolan’s family and doesn’t mind the mattress on the floor at all. It was cozy and the Patrick family dog, Buddy, an old golden retriever, ended up sleeping on top of Nico’s feet like a very cuddly hot water bottle. 

The next day, he and the girls staged a huge snowball fight while Nolan watched, bundled up on the veranda. His mum was being careful while he was still loopy from the pain meds and unable to distinguish if he had reinjured himself so he’d been banned from the snowball fights for the time being. They all trooped inside with Aimee announcing to Nolan that she had been the clear winner of the competition despite Nico and Maddie’s protests to the contrary. Carrie had hot chocolate for them all and tea for Nolan, who didn’t like chocolate. This was clearly a time old chirp worthy thing because Maddie and Aimee settled in to teasing as soon as their mum had given Nolan his mug of tea and Nolan had just rolled his eyes and not argued back.

That afternoon, Nolan’s mum gathered them all in the kitchen to bake and ice Christmas cookies together. It was an absolute mess and Nolan’s younger sister Aimee ended up with more icing on her face than on her cookies and Nolan was completely entranced by a streak of icing that was marring Nico’s cheek.

It was a total cliché to be standing there, staring at a boy who didn’t even know that he liked him, while making Christmas cookies. What had his life become? Aimee was laughing at him nonstop and couldn’t even stop to explain to their mum why she was laughing so hard. Both of his sisters had picked up on his ridiculous crush on Nico as soon as the two of them had arrived back from school.

* * *

Christmas Day itself, is a bit weird for Nico because normally they don’t do anything in Switzerland because the main celebrations are on Christmas Eve, and yet there he was surrounded by Patrick family relatives and lots of young children. Luckily he’s good with children because he would have no clue what to say to the adults. So he stuck to the backroom that doubled as an indoor hockey rink and played mini-sticks for several hours with Nolan’s younger cousins and Maddie, who was hiding from some great aunt who had been pestering her about getting married despite being only twenty one. They had an absolute ball and only emerged for Christmas lunch before heading back down to play some more. Nolan eventually joined them.

“Why didn’t you guys tell me about this earlier? If I have to talk to one more aunt or uncle, I swear I’ll go crazy.” “Like you aren’t already,” Nico chirps but passes him the goalie stick, “We need a goalie. No blocking shots with your stomach.”

Once everyone had left, Nolan’s immediate family and Nico began the clean-up process. 

Almost two hours later, they were collapsing onto the couches in the den, completely exhausted. “We have one last thing to do.” Nolan’s dad, Steve, grinned wickedly and Aimee groaned. “Seriously dad, we can quote the movie inside and out.” “That means it’s a good movie.” “Or it means we watch it too often.” “No such thing.”

“He’s allowed to stick around.” Nolan’s dad cheered and Nolan raised his eyebrows while grinning, almost as if to say, look what you’ve gotten us into.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nolan is a little angsty in this but I think that's about it warnings wise. As usual, if there's something that you think I should warn for, please tell me.
> 
> Translation of German is at the end. It's a little rusty, I haven't spoken Swiss German for almost six months but I'm going off what I remember from my few months living in Switzerland.
> 
> I'm also headed into exams so it might be a while before the next part is posted.

By New Year, they were back at school and getting ready for the next term to start up. Nolan was pottering around trying to get all his stuff together for Wednesday when they started school again and Nico was on the phone to his family, speaking rapid fire German.

“Joa, joa. Ich liebe dich, Mutti. Frohes neues Jahr.” He fell silent for a moment. “Joa, ich kann. Tchuss.”

He grinned up at Nolan and started to jimmy the window open. “Stop fussing and come out here. Bring your blanket.”

They tucked themselves under the blanket, it was colder than any night that they’d spent outside yet this year. Nico dug a little hole into the snow and packed a bottle of champagne into it.

“Where did you get that?” “My mother sent it in the post. We always have champagne for New Year in Switzerland and Mutti wanted me to be able to at least go through the motions of New Year here.” “Are you even legal to drink in Switzerland?” “Beer and wine, yes. Spirits by the end of this year.”

Nolan sighed, Canadian drinking laws had seemed so lax by American standards but Europe was a whole other kettle of fish. 

Nolan checked his watch, and saw that it was almost midnight. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t entertain any stupid ideas tonight but as he watched the minute hand tick closer to midnight, he wondered what if? What if he kissed Nico? When the clock struck twelve.

He could, but then Nico would probably hate him for the rest of the school year and Nolan would be miserable until graduation and probably get kicked off the hockey team when Nico told everyone.

* * *

When Hisch leaned across him and grabbed the champagne, he shivered and Nico looked at him in concern.

“Too cold?” “I’m alright. I’ll be better once I’ve had some champagne.”

Nico grinned at him and started counting down. At one second till midnight, he popped the champagne cork out and at midnight he leaned over and Nolan froze. He seriously thought that Nico was going to kiss him but Nico just kissed him once on each cheek.

“That’s what we do in Switzerland. Come on, it’s champagne time now.”

If Nolan went to bed a little disappointed that Nico hadn’t kissed him, no one else needed to know about it.

* * *

He was doing okay with his physical therapy and he was almost ready to get back on the ice. He’d been skating with the team, non-contact but still out there. It was important for him to be there with the guys even if he wasn’t able to play games.

Despite being out of the roster, he had gone to every game and watched as Nico, Tipp and Nikita absolutely killed it. He was okay with it in practice and scrimmages but watching Nico play with his lineys during games left a sour feeling in his stomach. It twisted unpleasantly when they cellied after particularly great goals or talked about their line at lunch the day after. Nolan hated not feeling needed.

Nico made things better when he told Nolan that he preferred playing with Maxime and even though Nico was producing amazingly as the first line centre, Nolan had felt reassured by the fact that Nico would prefer to play with Max instead of Tipp. Nolan was pretty set in his ways when it came to hockey and his lineys and because of that, he had a hard time connecting Tipp and Hisch as being on the same line.

He got sad about not being able to play every now and then. Usually, it hit him at night, after games, after they’d turned the lights out and Nico had long since rolled over to sleep in his bed across from Nolan’s. After all that had already happened, Nolan would stare up at the ceiling and wonder why these injuries plagued him the way they did. 

They had stolen his NHL dreams first. Then they’d stolen his plan to be a hunting and fishing guide – and yes, he knows it was terribly stereotypical. He’d been left with high school and potentially college hockey and no other real plans. Now, the injuries had taken his place on the team and some niggling part of him suggested that they’d stop Nico from ever wanting Nolan.

Nolan rationalised that that, at least, made no sense. The reason Nico wouldn’t want Nico was because Nico was straight. Tanner swore up and down that Nico has a girlfriend he’s always talking to in German and calls Liebling. This Tanner insisted meant sweetheart and was literally the only word of German he could remember from primary school. Nolan shifted again, attempting to make the ache in his chest, which was definitely not a hockey injury, seem less all consuming. Nico made a muffled noise and rolled over. Nolan froze, trying not to wake the Swiss boy up.

“I’m not asleep yet and you are thinking too loud.” Nico growled, soft despite the slight annoyance present in his tone. “Sorry.” “Not a problem. Need to sit on the roof?” Why had he not thought of that, it was the perfect solution to him feeling anxious and awkward about both hockey and Nico? “Yeah, I’m going out now.” “Need me to come with?” “I’ll be alright,” Though a warm feeling spread through Nolan at the thought that Nico would be willing to get out of his warm bed at midnight just to sit with him while he stressed. “OK, night.”

Nico rolled back over and Nolan negotiated his way out the window, dragging his blanket after him.

* * *

He was back at the rink before too long. He skated before the others, just to keep up his leg strength but not overdo anything. The rink was familiar and comforting. 

He had grown so sick of the four walls of their room and the endless dusty class rooms that made up the day school. He’d gotten used to the wide spaces outside Winnipeg where they had their cabin. When he closed his eyes, he could still see Nico making a snow angel and trying to teach Nolan the German words for things. He could remember Schnee and the fervent calls of SchieBe when Aimee had managed to get snow down the back of Nico’s jacket. He had been laughing while he swore to get revenge and Nolan smiled to himself, thinking about how easily Nico had slotted in with the rest of Nolan’s family.

A loud snick of a puck hitting the boards startled him out of his daydream and he saw Yamamoto smirking at him and he threatened to climb over the boards and get him. Coach intervened before Nolan could and Yammer laughed as he skated away.

Nolan stayed to chat with Coach Orr and watch the team play. Tipp and Nico and Pops were playing on a line and Nico and Pops were looking amazing but Tipp didn’t quite fit.

“Coach, try playing Forts with Hischier and Popugaev,” Nolan suggested.

The line change made everything flow much more smoothly and Tipp and Glasser worked well together though they needed a new centre. Nolan frowned. Pops and Forts were looking like a first line with Hisch at their centre and Glasser and Tipp had the makings of a great second line and he knew where he fit into this equation.

He didn’t really know how to deal with the idea of being the centre of their second line but if it grew their game and they played like their first and second lines were both their first lines, they could probably make some unexpected plays.

Nolan shook the thought out of his head and focused on watching the boys and how they were doing. The familiar sounds of hockey and the rink filled him with something oddly warm and when Nico slammed into the boards by him and made some absolutely vile comment in German that he followed up with a blinding smile, the something spun into a burning supernova. 

The only German Nolan has picked up is the swearing but even though Nico was spewing filth, it had somehow seemed private – something that was just for them.

It was hard to breath with a supernova taking up all the space in your ribcage but Nolan didn’t think he minded all that much, not with Nico laughing at his pitiful attempt at rebuttal.

* * *

It was hard for him to cope with being on the second line but he has had time to adapt. His new line is probably the best line he’s ever played on and they somehow just click and get to work. They produce almost more than the first line in games and Coach has been beyond pleased with all of them.

Nolan was the first person after Pops and Forts to get to Nico when he scores his first game winning goal for the team. Nolan hasn’t allowed himself to hug Nico as much as he’d like to. Hockey players are affectionate but even then, there was still a line. But the line was blurred during games and Nolan let Nico tackle him to the ground. The rest of the team piled on top of them but all Nolan could see was Nico’s smiling eyes as they yelled happily at one another. It became a pattern. 

Nolan couldn’t express how he felt about Nico to anyone. Not even to Kale and Tanner, who know him better than anyone else and have known him better than anyone else since they were first years who shared a dorm and pretended that they weren’t homesick but still cuddled up together and insisted that it was for one of the others sake. 

So he kept it close and only expressed his feelings during post win cellies or with little comments about how he didn’t mind being on the second line because Nico is a perfect first line centre. He always followed this nicety with some comment about how Nico doesn’t have the brawn to be a second line centre, who actually had to fight occasionally. As if Tipper would let Nolan fight anyone – or more the case, Tipper would just fight anyone who even tried to fight Nolan.

Nico and Nolan have fallen into a careful routine that works for both of them. Nolan felt like he was living between events before Nico and now he was living for the small moments. Life seemed more manageable when he broke it down into little segments that he can look forward to or just suffer through. The best moments are the quiet ones with Nico where he pretends he isn’t in love with his best friend. Though sometimes, when they’re hanging out, he wondered what it would be like if Nico knew. He wondered more though, what it would be like if Nico felt the same way.

It was one of those moments that he was wondering about when Nico flung himself onto Nolan’s bed. Nico did that a lot. Nolan doesn’t quite get it but doesn’t mind when Nico leaned against him and sighed heavily about something before beginning a rant about whatever it was that was bothering him.

Watching the other boy rant, this time about his older brother making some stupid comment to their mum and getting Nico in trouble for something he hasn’t even done, he wondered what this would be like if Nico felt the same way. Would he let Nolan card a hand through his dark hair?

Nolan would probably kiss him. Maybe that way Nico wouldn’t worry so much about something stupid that Luka had done and focus on Nolan more.

Nolan didn’t want to be selfish with Nico. He understood that Hisch had friends other than Nolan but a deeply possessive side of him growled at that thought. The supernova that filled his chest whenever Nico was near, curled warmly around his heart and Nolan, blinking sleepily – he’d been up until two trying to finish an essay for English that he had not been in the mood for – couldn’t help but smile down at Nico.

Nico grinned back and poked him.

“Go to sleep.” “Can’t – school work.” “Eh, it can wait.”

Nolan wanted desperately to chirp Nico for his casual use of “eh” but could feel his eyelids growing impossibly heavy. Fuck it, he was warm and curled up against Nico, he was going to have a nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Joa, joa. Ich liebe dich, Mutti. Frohes neues Jahr.”   
> Yeah, yeah, I love you, Mum. Happy New Year
> 
> "Joa, ich kann. Tchuss."  
> Yeah, I can. Bye
> 
> Schnee - snow  
> ScheiBe - shit


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a fair bit of angst ahead and a panic attack that is fairly descriptive.
> 
> If you're worried about the panic attack being triggering please only read up until the line:  
> "Do you want to talk to Kale or Tanner instead?"  
> "No, please, no."
> 
> Thanks for the prolonged support, this fic has snowballed in length but should still only be about seven chapters long.

Nolan was a mess for the next few days. He had been too tired to think about what he was doing when he had fallen asleep on Nico the other night. But afterwards, it had played like a loop in his head whenever he was distracted. Nico had been soft and warm against him, a comforting contrast to the draught that blew in to their room from the corridor.   
He had been trying so hard not to be too intense around Nico. 

He had been trying to keep his feelings for Nico tamped down and hidden behind literally anything else in his mind but now, whenever he saw the other boy, which was often – given that they shared a room, had a similar timetable and played on the same hockey team, he couldn’t help but think about it.

Hisch has been on the phone to his girlfriend more often than ever before and Nolan was getting more and more stressed about exams.  
Whenever Nico was on the phone to Nina, Nolan felt physically ill and had to leave the room. He hid out in Tanner’s room for the most part but when Tanner began trying to ask questions about what was going on, Nolan quickly jumped ship.

He could barely understand what he was feeling himself, let alone attempt to articulate how he felt to someone else. Cody and Kailer’s room was much safer that way. The two of them never bugged him with questions, just invited him in and let him join their cuddle pile while they watched whatever show the two of them were into at that point in time.

It was one of his grey days when they apologetically told him that they were going in to Newman’s Inlet and couldn’t hang out, he had shrugged it off with a forced grin and decided to go for a walk through the grounds instead.  
That had definitely been a mistake. 

He’d had too much time to think about everything that was going on.  
It was all building up and even though he knew that realistically he just needed to take a moment and call his mum and talk to her, he couldn’t actually bring himself to do that. His mum has been his main point of call since he first went into boarding to play for one of the best hockey teams in the country. She has always known the right things to say and how exactly to help him solve problems. While he loves his dad and can talk for hours about hockey with him, it’s his mum that he turns to when he freaks out.  
And he was most definitely freaking out.

It would have been so easy to sit on the roof for an hour or so and do his breathing exercises that he’d been taught when he was younger, but the difference between what he knew he should do and what he felt he could do was too large of a gap.

He could easily think about doing what he knew he needed to do but getting to the point where he felt able to do it, just didn’t seem feasible for him in that moment. It doesn’t help that the supernova that filled his ribcage when Nico was around has started to ache. There’s this horrible sinking sensation that lingers where it used to be star stuff and vibrant colours. He thought back to 2nd form when they had learnt about the solar system and he can just recall how when a star gets too big or too old, it starts to collapse in on itself and become a black hole sucking all the matter around it into nothingness.

It all sounded incredibly melancholy but it felt accurate to the awful hollow sensation that Nolan felt, leaving their room as Nico called Nina. He stared around the forestry blankly.  
It was awfully clichéd but he sat down at the foot of a huge maple tree and hugged his knees to him.  
“Breath,” he reminded himself, “Don’t get too worked up.”

Even though it was closer to Easter than Christmas, it was still chilly out and before long, Nolan was shivering from the cold as well as the awful feeling that stayed in his chest. He forced himself to stand and walked back to the dorms.  
He had to go shower before dinner. 

One small task at a time, and he’d be able to get through the next few weeks and then he could go home and avoid Nico for a while. Maybe, while they were both away from one another, Nolan’s feelings would get more bearable. Because at that moment, they felt all consuming and made everything around him feel grey and morose.

* * *

They had church the next day and Nolan, for the first time in a long time, was not looking forward to the familiar comfort that the Sunday service had always offered him. Even though he wasn’t religious, the messages that the Pastor preached were always important and relevant, and the routine of the service had always been comforting to him. It had always reminded him of his gran and her nuggets of wisdom that she dispensed without even thinking about it.

Nolan wasn’t sure that there was a god but nevertheless, he prayed to whoever or whatever was out there. As he lay in bed, too awake to close his eyes and almost too exhausted to sleep, he had sent out a vague thought – a question. It had seemed trivial in the grand scheme of the world and the things that gods and deities would get asked about but to him, it felt like the fate of the world hinged on it.

In a way, his world did hinge on it. 

“If he ever finds out, please don’t let him hate me. I don’t know what I would do if he hated me.”   
Nolan hates himself enough for several people sometimes. 

* * *

The days dawned – each day brighter and sunnier than the last – but still, to Nolan, the world felt like all the colour had been stolen. Almost as if someone had decided to just take it for themselves one night and left the rest of them with nothing but a grey scale.   
The only colours that seemed to matter anymore was the red and blue lines on the rink and the warm brown flash of Nico’s eyes when he smiled at Nolan. Even those smiles were fewer and further in between.

Nolan was still hiding out with Cody and Kailer. He could tell that they knew something was up but they wouldn’t bring it up. They’d told him they wouldn’t. Only that if he needed them, they would be there for him.

The days grew longer as they grew brighter and everything just added up to more small moments to work through.

At seven thirty, he ate breakfast – always toast with butter and jam. He ignored the boy’s careful looks that they gave one another when they assumed he wasn’t paying attention. Buttered toast with jam was Nolan’s comfort food, they all knew that. But even that couldn’t make him feel better as it crumbled to cardboard in his mouth and left him feeling nauseous and empty.

At eight thirty, school started. Here, at least, he had an excuse. Exams were coming up and he needed to study if he wanted to get into the right university. At twelve thirty, they ate lunch and hung out. Or rather, the boys ate lunch and hung out. Nolan wolfed down whatever there was with protein and then headed to the library to study and avoid the concerned looks and gestures of the boys. 

At three thirty, school finished and Nolan went back to their room to change. He was in and out in the space of ten minutes, never giving Nico the opportunity to talk to him. He went to the gym or the library – sometimes both.

At six, he got back and showered before going to dinner and then studying again.  
Ten thirty was bed time. This careful routine was only broken by hockey and church.

It wasn’t even his feelings towards Nico that were too complicated to deal with anymore.  
It was everything.

* * *

Nico was worried about Nolan. How could he not worry?  
Nolan was withering away. Not physically, physically he was in peak condition from the endless hours spent alone at the gym.

But mentally, he was withdrawing. He barely even talked to the guys outside of practice and even at practice, guys were starting to notice that something was wrong.  
And that was the tipping point for Nico, when Nolan fumbled an easy pass and went down hard on a hit he should have anticipated and had to be assessed in the locker room. He didn’t make it back onto the ice for that game. 

Nolan had one really strict rule with himself: nothing outside of hockey impacts hockey.  
So when whatever was going on with Nolan started to impact his hockey, Nico decided that enough was enough.

When they got back from school on Monday afternoon, he leant against the door and wouldn’t let Nolan pass.  
“Please,” Nolan’s voice trembled slightly, “I have to go to the library.”  
“No, what you have to do is talk to me. You’ve been all over the place and I was going to let it go but then it started impacting hockey. Come on, Paddy, you can tell me.”  
Nolan had frozen up, unsure of himself. He let himself be led to his bed and sat down. Nico put his books on his desk and threw the cozy blanket, which Nolan kept at the end of his bed, over Nolan’s shoulders.

He sat, facing Nolan, at the end of his bed, deliberately putting himself between Nolan and the door.  
“Talk to me, bud.”  
“I can’t.”  
“Do you want to talk to Kale or Tanner instead?”  
“No, please, no.”  
Nolan was shaking his head frantically and had begun to rock back and forth slightly.  
“Hey, it’s okay.”  
Nolan shook his head more firmly and his breathing spiked and became shallow and desperate.  


* * *

Nolan couldn’t breathe, it felt like the whole world was pressing down on his chest and the supernova that had turned into a black hole roared to life pulling all the air he managed to breathe in, away from him. He couldn’t breathe and it felt like the world was ending.

He was faintly aware of Nico trying to talk to him but nothing made sense. It felt like he was underwater and so was Nico, his voice was distant and muffled. There was this weird high pitched keening noise, broken only by hitching breaths and panicked sobs. 

He felt his knees growing damp from where he’d pressed his face against them. Oh, so that weird keening was him and so was the crying.  
He collapsed forward, head spinning and eyes unfocused.

His heart beat was a frantic staccato that he could feel deep in his stomach and hammering at his sternum.  
His ribs were caging in his errant heart as it tried to leap out of his chest. 

He felt trapped in his own mind, he couldn’t get out.

A bucket of hot lead had been dumped on his head, or at least it felt like it.

He was overheating but at the same time, he feels like there’s a cold that was biting into his bones.

A deep ache settled in his stomach and his breath hitched sharply.

Everything was too much.  
He clung to Nico. He’d wanted to fight and get away before but even though Nico sounded like he was a million miles away, Nico was safe. 

Nolan knows that much for sure. 

* * *

Nico just held Nolan close, he had no idea how to deal with a panic attack and figured if he left Nolan be but kept an eye on him, the other boy would get through it without Nico potentially derailing everything.

But when Nolan ends up practically in his lap, overwrought and clinging, Nico can’t help but wrap his arms around Nolan.  
They stay there for what feels like hours but in reality is only half an hour.

Nolan comes out of it gradually but Nico doesn’t budge, just holding him close and rubbing his back gently.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol mentions and that's about it.

It was just another WIHL tradition but it was definitely one of the more fun ones.

At the end of the second term, all the seniors would gather into their little friendship groups and have parties in the common rooms. They weren’t really wild at all – usually it was just ten to fifteen of the guys passing around a bottle or two of vodka and drinking some beer and hanging out, enjoying being free from exams.

But that year, Kailer and Tanner had decided that they should all play truth or dare.

It had started out fairly simple and tame but it had quickly escalated and soon Nico was giving Maxime a hickey. Nolan was trying not to look sour but he had obviously failed as Cody nudged him and had quietly told him to, “put his smiley face on or people would start to notice.”

Nico had turned around and with a wicked grin, had dared Cody to give Nolan a lap dance.

Nolan went scarlet and had sworn at Nico using the limited Swiss German that he knew.

“That’s not encouraging at all,” Cody laughed but gave Nolan the most awkward lap dance Nolan has ever seen. By the end of it, he literally thought that he was going to die, he was laughing so hard.

Cody gave him a wicked grin and he froze, worried. Because Cody knows all about his giant crush on Nico. What if Cody decided to out him on this? 

“Truth or Dare, oh captain?”

“Dare.” That way Cody couldn’t out him.

“Kiss Nico.”

“What?” Well, at least he doesn’t have to explicitly say that he’s into Nico. He just has to kiss him, which in all honesty was probably worse.

“You heard me.”

* * *

It was literally fireworks and butterflies and everything a proper first kiss should feel like, though it was completely ruined by the cat calls from the other boys and the sharp smell of vodka. Nolan doesn’t even know if either of them will remember it in the morning. 

They’ve gone pretty hard…

* * *

The last few days of term flew by and soon Nolan was back in Winnipeg for the holidays. Maddie was still at Uni and Aimee had school for another week so Nolan was bored out of his mind. Normally he would just text Kale or Tanner but Kale was on holiday with his family for the next two weeks and Nolan is not dumb enough to use up all of his phone credit on sending Kale, who was in Thailand, a zillion text messages. Tanner was busy spending the week at his girlfriend’s while his parents were somewhere else so he was also way too busy for Nolan. 

Nolan would text Nico but he can’t even do that so he sulked because he missed Nico but Nico was in Switzerland with his family. Nolan doesn’t even know how to approach the fact that they kissed a few days before they had all gone home and Nico hadn’t even woken him up to say goodbye before he had left.

He knew that Nico had had an early flight but he would have woken up at any time in the night if Nico ever wanted him to, so it hurt that Nico hadn’t even wanted to talk to him. Though he vaguely remembers that Nico had said he didn’t have a girlfriend while they were playing truth or dare.

He moped for the next few days and then the girls were both on holidays and so it was way harder to get away with missing Nico and moping about it, because they both know him way too well and would be able to pinpoint exactly what was going on.

* * *

Nolan was moping at the cottage where he’s spending Easter with his family and his sisters were getting sick of his shit, so Maddy dragged him out hiking and threatened to leave him in the forest if he didn’t tell her what was going on with him.

He spilled everything to her and she just hugged him tightly, reassuring in the way only an older sister could be.

“That doesn’t sound like fun at all.”

“He has a girlfriend, Mads. Or at least, I’m pretty sure he does.” She made a sympathetic noise and they headed home. She didn’t even bat an eyelid at him being gay or bi or whatever though she did ask when they’re in the car.

“So are you gay or is this just like a Nico thing?”

“It’s not like those trashy books you read, Maddie. It’s not like it’s only him and otherwise I wouldn’t even consider dating anyone.”

“But do you want to put a label on your sexuality for me so I can fight people when they get it wrong?”

“God, Maddie. You can’t just fight everyone. But I’m gay, yeah.”

“I can fight everyone, there’s a reason I’m a D man.”

* * *

Later that week, Nolan was wasting time by just scrolling through Instagram. He was not stalking Nico, thank you very much. He was just curious as to what his roomie was getting up to these holidays – though he was looking at photos from before Nico even moved to Canada.

There was a throwback photo of baby Nico being held by an older girl, which he had captioned with, “Zum geburtstag viel glück, liebe Nina. Du bist die beste schwester.” 

He clicked on the “translate to English” feature and it came up with “Happy Birthday, dear Nina. You’re the best sister.”

He’d been the world’s biggest dipshit.

Even though Nina was Nico’s sister and not his girlfriend, the masochistic side of his brain reminds him that just because Nico doesn’t have a girlfriend, it doesn’t mean he’s gay and even if he is, there’s no reason why he would be interested in Nolan.

Nolan is too intense and not good with people or talking.

His words get stuck before he can articulate what he wants to say and even when he can say what he wants to say, it never quite means the same thing as it meant in his mind.

He’s not exactly attractive either. People have always told him that he’s kind of weird looking and that his face is almost girlish. He’s come to hate his perpetual blushing and he constantly worries that his nose is too big for his face.

If you asked anyone else about these perceived faults they would have to double check what you asked about because in all honesty, while Nolan isn’t stereotypically attractive, he’s definitely not bad looking – he just needs to smile more.

Then there’s the question of culture, Nolan is the most boring person in the world. He likes history and hockey. He’s only just getting Bs in French and then Nico speaks four languages and spends weekends back home visiting castles and going to wine tastings.

Nolan doesn’t think he’d be able to cope with Nico’s whirlwind life so it’s probably better for both of them if he keeps his dumb mouth shut about his huge crush.


	6. Chapter 6

They only had one term left of their final year and Nolan was stressing over university applications.

He had already applied to Edmonton, Ottawa, Vancouver, Winnipeg, and Toronto and then on a whim he had applied to NYU after Nico had mentioned that he was considering the university. They had pretty much applied to all the same universities but Nico had also applied to l’Universite de Montreal. Nolan, while he will have done about four years of French at high school once he graduates, was not nearly fluent enough to apply to Montreal.

He had talked to Nico about why this was so stressful – after Nolan’s meltdown last term Nico has been pushing him to share stuff before it got too overwhelming – and so they had talked about how what he was most scared about was having to make friends all over again. 

The thing is that Nolan knows that he isn’t the most affable person. He’s awkward and hates small talk. He’s fine if you want to talk to him about history and hockey but beyond that he clams up, forever worried that he’ll say the wrong thing – and even when it comes to talking about hockey or history, he gets worried that his excitement is too much and people will get weirded out by it.

Nolan has had the same friends since he was thirteen and their group has only shifted once – when Nico arrived and admin threw them together. It had been the perfect addition to Nolan’s life but he doesn’t think he can handle trying to build an entirely new group from the ground up by himself. 

Nico had reassured him that everything would work out just fine but Nolan hadn’t been convinced but then Nico had thrown a curveball that reshaped Nolan’s entire future plan.

"Well, we’ll just have to make sure we’re roommates at whatever university we end up at – then I can make friends for both of us and you’ll never have to do the awkward small talk thing.”

Nolan was thrown for a moment but just grinned gratefully and then let Nico chirp him enthusiastically about how they were going to manage sharing a room for another few years.

“You’ll have to find even more photos of hunting and fishing to decorate because I’m pretty sure university rooms are bigger.”

Nolan was so much more relaxed about the whole university thing after Nico told him that they were going to be roommates still.

Nolan knows that he shouldn’t be so dependent on Nico but he’s always been like this with his friends.

Hell, Tanner has cut his hair since mid-first year when the matron had told him he needed a haircut and that someone could drive him into town. He’d almost had a panic attack over going somewhere new by himself and having to talk to the barber. Tanner and Kale had dragged the issue out of him and Tanner had just laughed at him and then cut his hair in the toilets on their wing of the boarding house.

It wasn’t a good look the first few times but now Tanner is excellent with a razor and a pair of proper hair dressing scissors. He charged other boys for their haircuts but he always does Nolan’s free of charge though he does know that Nolan will always give him a few extra pieces of the slices or the biscuits his mum sends with him at the start of term. Nolan’s mum’s cookies and slice are legendary amongst their grade.

So Nolan kind of has a history of being incredibly avoidant of situations that make him uncomfortable, which is why he was so surprised that he decided that he needed to talk to Nico about his giant crush on the Swiss boy. He didn’t think he could actually cope with losing Nico but he also doesn’t think that he can be Nico’s roommate for the next few years and keep all of these feelings in.

* * *

It was a Sunday, after church, when Nolan decided that he really had to talk to Nico about it. They had spent the past hour and a half running drills at the rink and they were headed back to their room to relax until lunch time and Nico makes some comment about how great the weather is and Nolan just felt so fond and warm at Nico’s every little thing that he had to tell him.

“This is really awkward and I totally understand if you hate me afterwards but I really hope you don’t because I still want us to be friends. I understand if you don’t want to room with me anymore and I can go sleep in Tanner and Kale’s room if you’d rather I didn’t stay in ours anymore. If you want I can ask admin to give you a new roomie –“ Nolan took a huge breath and looked like he was going to continue rambling about stuff that didn’t really make any sense to Nico, so he interrupted Nolan’s rambling.

“Nolan. Breathe, and then just tell me. You’re really worrying me.”

“I really like you and have since forever. Please don’t hate me. I have to go.” Nolan ran off before Nico could even say anything but the Swiss boy just smiled to himself and let Nolan go calm down.

* * *

An hour later, Nico was about to go in search for Nolan when the door opened and the other boy walked in, hunched in on himself.

“I’m really sorry. I should have tried harder to stop the feelings when they started.”

Nico tried to interrupt him but Nolan just kept going.

“I get that this is probably really uncomfortable for you. I should have told you I was gay at the start of the year.”

Nico tried to interrupt him again but Nolan was going to ride this train right of the cliffs he saw ahead of him.

“I don’t mind if you don’t want to be roommates anymore.”

Nico gave up on trying to interrupt and instead moved closer.

Nolan flinched back until he was pressed against the door.

“I’m really sorry. I couldn’t help it.”

Nico couldn’t think of any way to stop Nolan apologising so he just went for it, pressing his lips against Nolan’s. Nolan made a shocked little noise but kissed back.

“What?” Nolan queried once they’ve pulled apart for air.

“I like you too, Dummkopf.”

“Oh,” Nolan beamed like he can’t quite believe it but why else would Nico be looking at him so fondly.

Nolan kissed him again and there was something in it that just felt so natural and right, as if all his puzzle pieces had slotted into place next to Nico’s. His face almost ached from it but he couldn’t stop smiling and neither can Nico. It’s kind of hard to kiss when you’re smiling too much and so they just clung to one another, sharing space and air as they looked at one another in an entirely new light.

It was almost too much for Nolan and he ducked his face to hide it in Nico’s neck. He could feel Nico’s rumbling laugh and bit him, he wasn’t allowed to laugh at Nolan when Nico was also being clingy and fond. Nico laughed even harder at that and Nolan couldn’t help but share in the giddy joy that was bubbling through his chest.

Fuck butterflies, there was an entire flock of blue jays in his stomach.

* * *

It was incredibly hard not to hold Nico’s hand at lunch. The boys wouldn’t have cared, Nolan knows this now, but this thing that is building between them is so new and precious that he didn’t want to share it with the rest of the world just yet. He needed it to be private and real before he could let himself be accepting of it as having a place in their everyday life as well. 

He and Nico had talked about that before they went to lunch and they had spent the two hours that they had had to themselves just before lunch talking everything through.

But what had stuck most with Nolan was when they had talked about when they knew for sure that they were pretty much head over heels for one another.

For Nolan, it had been during those awful few days after his surgery when everything was pretty bleak and his head was full of cotton wool and Nico would come and hang out with him on the couch and tell him stories about being back home in Switzerland and the more idyllic parts of his childhood.

For Nico, it had been the final church service before school broke up for the Christmas holidays. He had looked over at Nolan who had been enthralled by the Christmas carols and candles and the way the entire cathedral had seemed to hum with energy and song, and Nico had known that he really loved Nolan. The Canadian boy had just looked so happy and at peace and Nico wanted to make sure that Nolan always looked that way.

* * *

That afternoon during the hour or two they’re meant to spend doing homework, they get absolutely nothing done. 

Nolan couldn’t even focus on conjugating the passé composé when he would much rather be talking to Nico and cuddling with the other boy. Honestly, Nico’s hair was even a distraction.

Like, Nolan had always been enamoured by how princely Nico’s hair always seemed, even when he was taking his helmet off after a hard shift, but now that he knows that he can run his hands through it when they kiss, it was an entirely new level of distracting.

He ducked his head and tried again to focus on conjugating the irregular verbs.

Nico turned and looked fondly at Nolan who was mumbling his way through conjugating Arriver.

“Je suis arrivé.”

He won’t say it for a while longer but he’s probably in love with this Canadian doofus.

“Tu es arrivé.”

The soft afternoon sunlight coming through their window was playing through Nolan’s hair, making it look far lighter and incredibly fluffy.

“Il est arrivé.”

Nolan shoved up the sleeves of his sweatshirt and paused to conjugate the nous form.

“Nous êtes arrivés. Fuck, that’s not right.”

“Try nous sommes?” Nico teased and Nolan made an annoyed sound.

“How do you just remember all of that?”

“Practise. Come on, let’s go sit on the roof and I’ll quiz you on them.”

The afternoon sun was warm as they made themselves comfortable on the roof.

Nico sat cross legged so Nolan could lie down and rest his head on Nico’s thigh.

Nico made him recite every single set of conjugation for the “Dr and Mrs Vandertramp” irregular verbs and kissed him every time he gets a whole set right.

It was so lazy and domestic that Nolan couldn’t help but fall a little bit more in love with Nico.

He’s so going to miss this roof.

* * *

They rushed through dinner and then having to wait for it to be late enough to leave the common room and go back to their room seemed to take eons.

Their normal before bed routine was altered by a charged energy that seemed to hang in the air. It felt sillier than ever before to Nolan, to be brushing his teeth while Nico washed his face and then switching. But at the same time, the little additions to the routine felt like before this something had been missing. The soft brush of Nico’s lips across his cheek as Nolan did his last minute check, that he had everything for school tomorrow, was surprising but felt so right.

Nico was fucking around with the blankets on his and Nolan’s beds and rearranging pillows when Nolan turned to climb into bed.

“What are you doing?” Nolan wasn’t really sure what his boyfriend – and yes, he got a soppy tingle at thinking of Nico as his boyfriend – was trying to achieve.

“You can’t sleep without that pillow and that blanket is the nice cozy one. So if we’re going to share tonight. You need your pillow and I want that blanket.” Nico said all this as if it was the most obvious thing in the whole world and Nolan felt the supernova in his chest, the one that had finally seemed to have settled into something warm and calm, roar to life again. He couldn’t help but kiss Nico at this.

Nico slid into bed first and held up the blankets for Nolan who settled in as the little spoon. He hugged his pillow to him and couldn’t stop the slow smile that seemed to take over his entire face.

“Sleep well, Müüsli,” Nico murmured, pressing a kiss against the back of Nolan’s neck.

“Night, Hisch.” Nolan was too sleepy and comfortable to question what exactly Nico was calling him.

They fell asleep cuddling in Nico’s bed, nearest to the open window so that a gentle breeze kept them cool enough to share space the whole night long.

beds are definitely way too small for this but they made it work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Müüsli - Little mouse. This is a diminutive that we use for kids and significant others where I come from and I assume that the Swiss German branch of things follows a similar pattern. And yes Nico calls Nolan little mouse, both because Nolan hates mice but also because Nico thinks he's really sweet and shy just like a mouse.
> 
> The verb "Arriver" is a French verb which means to arrive.  
> The Dr and Mrs Vandertramp irregular verbs are a set of verbs that don't follow the basic conjugation of the perfect past tense and are very annoying when you first learn them. 15 year old me hated them.  
> I have no idea what level of French is normal to do as a senior in Canada so I'm just choosing the most annoying conjugation I can think of and giving it to them.
> 
> There are a few more chapters to this but it is very nearly done.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of Patrick Kane
> 
> Just more dumb soft boys - I kid you not my mother watched the "If I could play hockey in a different country, it would be Switzerland exchange" because my little sister and I were watching that interview for the umpteenth time and my mum just went, "Look at the chemistry. I totally get where you girls are coming from" so this fic now has the thumbs up from my mum which is???

Kailer and Cody found out pretty early on but kept it quiet because Nolan was somewhat freaked out by the whole thing. Not him and Nico, but the prospect of everyone knowing about him and Nico. Nolan’s a private person – always has been.

Nolan doesn’t know why he was surprised that Cody and Kailer ended up being the first people who worked out what was going on with him and Nico though admittedly, the two of them bursting in to Nico and Nolan’s room to tell them about something that was forgotten as soon as they saw Nolan cuddled up in Nico’s lap and tilting his head up to kiss the Swiss boy, was not how he had imagined it happening.

“Dude, I so called it.” Kailer had exclaimed.

“Yammer,” Cody had spoken as if it was almost the end of his seemingly endless patience, “Every guy in our grade probably could have called it – even the debaters.” His tone had softened as he went on, Cody could never even pretend to be mad at Kailer for long.

Nolan had shot out of Nico’s lap so fast he’d almost hit his head on the desk at the end of his bed but he had snuck his hand up the bed covers to entwine with Nico’s, he had known objectively that Cody and Kailer weren’t going to be dicks about this but that stupid part of his brain that fusses about literally everything was making it damned hard to breath and he felt really shaky.

Nico was watching him worriedly.

“Oh shit, we probably should let you guys tell us what’s going on rather than jumping to conclusions.” Kailer had exclaimed, Cody seemed to try to restrain his aggrieved sigh and then gave up and face palmed aggressively behind Kailer. It was loud, and drew a startled laugh out of Nolan and the invisible band around his lungs loosened slightly.

“We are together,” Nico started and Cody glared at Kailer when he whooped in delight, “But it’s only very new and we want it to be secret for a little longer. Just so we can find our feet and work out who needs to know.”

Nolan jumped in to add on to what Nico was trying to convey, feeling brave enough to speak up now that he wasn’t shaking as badly, “You guys would obviously have been on that list anyway but still, we just want this to be for us before we have to share it with the world.”

“So I’m not telling any of the guys until you give the green light?” 

“That would be appreciated, yeah.”

Kailer sighed dramatically but shrugged and Cody looked fond, though Nolan couldn’t have said where this look was directed.

“So while we appreciate the support and all, we’d really like to just go back to a bit of peace and quiet.” Nico smiled at Kailer and Cody as he spoke, which probably softened the blow of him basically telling them to eff off.

They headed out but not without Kailer hugging them both tightly.

“You have my blessing and all that jazz,” He said as he shut the door and Nico just shook his head, even for a Canadian, Kailer is weird but still, extremely lovable.

Nolan can’t help the fond feeling that arises at how easily Nico had handled that situation but also given Nolan the support he needed to be able to voice his own opinions even when he felt particularly anxious.

* * *

It had barely been two weeks but the two of them had been best friends for almost a year so for them, the kissing and cuddling was only a small step on from how they already were.

Nico is his first real relationship and while he’s adjusting to the affection and whole having a boyfriend thing, it’s really quite nice and Nico never pushes beyond what Nolan’s comfortable with.

There’d been a few girls who he’d considered dating, to keep up appearances even though there was no one he really needed to keep up an appearance for. He’d just brushed off the guys comments by telling them he had to focus on school and hockey and once he was in uni maybe he could start thinking about dating.

Mitch Marner had cornered him once, when he was in fourth form and Mitch was a senior and one of the alternate captains on the senior hockey team. He’d wanted Nolan to know that there was this thing called asexual and that it wasn’t important for Nolan to tell anyone or anything, Mitch just wanted to make sure Nolan knew it was alright to not like people or to only like certain people. He’d even made a joke that Connor McDavid, their super serious and incredibly academic captain, was hockey sexual, though Nolan knew, through gossip from Kailer and Tanner, that McDavid was dating a girl who lived in Newman’s Inlet.

It had been really nice of Mitch to check up on him and make sure he wasn’t beating himself up about his, potentially out there, sexuality. He’d laughed and thanked Marns but thrown in an “I am straight, I just don’t have time for any of that yet.”

He’d known even then though, that he leaned more towards guys and would take his embarrassing crush on the Russian exchange student, Ivan, who had been a fifth year at WIHL for six months, to the death. Well, maybe that was a little over dramatic but still, he wasn’t telling anyone about his thing for cute foreigners who played great hockey.

In retrospect, he should have known that he’d fall in love with Nico.

* * *

Thinking back over all of his crushes, Nico seemed like an inevitable part of Nolan’s list of “holy shit, never tell anyone about that.” Except now Nico was on a list of his own, more of a “holy shit, let’s eventually tell people about this” kind of list.

He’d had a crush on several NHLers – mainly fangirl type crushes but still. He’d been hugely in love with Johnathan Toews until he was old enough to understand the shit that Patrick Kane had pulled and how the Blackhawks had swept it under the rug. He couldn’t even watch Toews’ highlights without Kane showing up and even seeing the guy made him feel a little ill even now.

But then he’d fallen hard for Roman Josi and his bright smile and two way style of play. He was a remarkably offensive defenseman and something about his accent made Nolan’s knees feel weak.

He’d had a bit of a thing for Jamie Benn when he was fifteen but then again that was mainly him trying to avoid admitting to himself that despite Seguin being a total fuckboy, it was really Tyler Seguin he had a thing for.

He’d really liked watching Nicklas Backstrom and even Andre Burakovsky had become somewhat of a favourite later on.

But in everyday life his tastes had run a slightly different trend.

There’d been Mat Barzal in the year above who played some filthy hockey and had great cheekbones and really expressive eyebrows.

Ivan, the Russian exchange, had been really something else and had always tried to include Nolan, who’d always been awkward and shy, in everything the team did.

Nate Bastian had had great dimples and was always happy about everything but barely spared anyone but Mikey McLeod, a second glance.

* * *

So while Nolan hadn’t really been able to explore what he was feeling or what he wanted from a relationship before, he knows that he’s slow on the uptake when it comes to relationships but this is just all so new for him.

He’d never even kissed someone just for the sake of kissing them so it takes him a while to divorce kissing from sex and stop freaking out every time Nico just affectionately kissed him. 

The whole sex thing was a whole other story and so was telling people about their relationship but Nico was happy to follow Nolan’s glacial pace and when Nolan freaked out and told Nico that it wasn’t fair on him to always be waiting on Nolan, Nico had just shaken his head at him. He hugged Nolan closer to his side where they were curled up on Nolan’s bed and informed him that there were two of them in this relationship and he was perfectly happy to go at Nolan’s speed.

“You should always go at the pace of the slowest person in the relationship. If you aren’t both ready to take a new step, you just don’t take that step until both people are ready. I care about you and the most important thing about this relationship is that we’re both happy and comfortable. I don’t care how long it takes until you want to sleep with me, I’d rather have you happy, even if it takes two years of just cuddling.”

Nolan had gone bright red and ducked his face into the crook of Nico’s neck, not wanting to blurt out the “I love you” that was bubbling just beneath the surface.

* * *

He gets used to showing more and more of their relationship gradually but he’s still pretty shy about public displays of affection.

That’s alright though because for hockey players, Nico and Nolan’s cuddling looks like just bros or even more chill. 

So when Nolan has his head in Nico’s lap when they’re chilling in the common room, to the outside world it looks like just bros.

Especially when Kailer and Glasser are being overly affectionate and dweeby on the next couch over. The two of them have kicked it up somewhat now that they know about Nico and Nolan and Nolan is grateful because it allows him to curl up with his boyfriend in the common room because everyone is too focused on telling Yammer and Glasser to get a room. 

God, Nolan loves his friends.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of homophobia and anxiety.
> 
> Also, a character comes out, this is purely based of my friends experiences of coming out because my parents, when I attempted to come out to them at fourteen, said, "Darling, we've known since you were six and in love with Susan Pevensie." So I don't really have any basis on which to write that so I hope that I captured it in an authentic way.
> 
> Finally, I'm in the middle of assessment and exams so this is not going to be updating as well or quickly as I might like. I'm sick at the moment though so there might be a bit more production. That being said, there's only two chapters left so we're getting there.

Hisch has his shit together and while Nolan was beyond happy that his boyfriend was such a great well-adjusted person, it also kind of stressed him out because he was like the complete opposite of well-adjusted person. He still hadn’t told his family about him and Nico and it was started to weigh on him. He usually tells Maddie about literally everything and his mum and dad are open with him and his sisters about almost everything so it felt incredibly wrong to say that everything was great when he talked to them on the phone once or twice a week and not to tell them about what felt like such a huge thing.

In addition to him feeling shitty about that, whenever he talked to Hisch about it, the Swiss boy told him that his family knew that he liked Nolan since practically day one and he’d actually messaged his older brother for advice about how to ask Nolan out in their second term. He hadn’t actually needed the advice in the end because Nolan had been the one to make that leap but he had told his parents barely days afterwards.

Nico is European so he has had pretty much had everything to do with his sexuality all worked out since he was about thirteen. Besides, he had grown up with gay family members and Switzerland is very relaxed about same-sex relationships so he was not nearly as concerned with what people are going to say – not nearly as concerned as Nolan anyway.

His whole family knows that he’s gay and none of them care – except that one Aunt who married some priest or something but at the last Christmas that that Aunt had come to, she had made some comment about Nico going to hell and his Oma had turned around and told her that she was going to hell for being a judgemental cow and that she could take her things and leave right that instant. So Nico had never worried about parents or family being uncertain with any of his boyfriends.

They all know about the cute Canadian hockey player that he thinks he might have a shot with as well. It was lucky that Nolan didn’t speak German besides the little bits he had picked up from Nico because otherwise Nico wouldn’t have been able to talk to his family about half the things he has bitched about. He had told his mum about Nolan a few days into the school year and they have been pestering him to let them meet Nolan for almost as long.

It had gotten worse after Christmas because now his mum and Nolan’s mum, Carrie, were emailing back and forth every now and then. Now, their inquiries about his crush on Nolan were far more informed and they had started pestering him in earnest about when Nolan would come with him to Switzerland. Nico’s parents were not too keen on coming to Canada because while his brother and sister were living on their own and Nico was in Canada, their Oma was quite unwell and their Opa had passed away a few years ago. 

They’d made their peace with it but the prospect of leaving Oma with only Luka or Nina to care for her really worried his mother and so he never pushed them to come visit him. Providence would provide in the end, and for the time being, he was very grateful for his parents distance as it enabled him and Nolan to take things slowly and work out their relationship without prompting from anyone but Cody and Kailer. So Nico was very much settled with their relationship and how life was going.

* * *

Nolan, on the other hand, has very little chill and is anxious about almost everything. His mum had been asking if he wanted to start seeing someone about all this again but he has been clinging to being okay-ish without outside help.

For the most part, things have been going well. There were just instances here and there that threw him off and to be completely honest, more often than not, they were Nico related. But not in a bad way, because if he framed it like that then his dad would ask him why he was even dating someone who stressed him out – and it wasn’t like that at all. It was more that Nolan felt like he always needed Nico more than Nico needed him.

He bottled this up for a few weeks and then eventually it bubbled over, as things like that are wont to do.

They were lying on Nico’s bed when it happened. Their room had become a safe haven for them because while they can cuddle in the common room, Nolan always felt like he was on edge. He was always waiting for someone to say something and for everyone to start hating them for being gay. It was a stupid thought but it haunted him anyway.

Whereas in their room, only Tanner, Kale, Cody and Kailer ever burst in without warning. Cody and Kailer already knew about him and Nico, and Kale and Tanner already knew that he was gay and has had a thing for Nico for ages so it wouldn’t really be a surprise though Nolan would much rather tell them on his own terms.

So in their room, Nolan felt safe enough to hold Nico and pretend that he could protect and provide for Nico as much as the Swiss boy did for him. He was worrying about it again – though, really, when wasn’t Nolan worrying about something? If not Nico, hockey and if not hockey, school. 

It was such a lovely moment and he hated to spoil it but he couldn’t help but blurt out what he was feeling. Nico paused in where he was trailing his fingers around Nolan’s hand and rolled over to look at him. He doesn’t laugh at Nolan, like Nolan was worried he would. Instead, he looked concerned and serious.

“Müüsli, you have to tell me these things before they start eating at you. Because then I can tell you how wrong you are, before you panic. Whereas now, you’ve been panicking for a while haven’t you?”

Nolan nodded, he doesn’t trust himself to speak.

“You don’t realise how much I need you back. It is okay that you didn’t know but I promise, I need you just as much as you need me. We just need each other in different ways and that’s okay. You need me to reassure you when it comes to stuff like this. But I need you to show me dumb memes and remind me, just by being you, that I’ve found a home in you in this strange foreign place. I don’t show my emotions as clearly but when I’m homesick or sad, I know that you’ll always know how to cheer me up, even if you don’t realise that you’re making me better, you are – always. You’re my home here in Canada, and I don’t care how cheesy it is, it’s true.”

It was almost the most that Nolan had ever heard Nico say in one go but looking into the other boys eyes, which were burning with intensity, he knew that Nico meant every single word with his whole heart, which was why he pressed against Nico. He didn’t exactly know how to communicate what he was feeling without saying “I love you” so instead he pressed a kiss against Nico’s collar and said, “You’re my home too,” and prayed that it was enough and that Nico understood how huge that was for Nolan to say.

* * *

Barely a few days after that, Nolan decided that he really should tell Tanner and Kale. He has been feeling even more secure in their relationship than he thought was ever possible and he thinks that his best friends do deserve to know that he and Hisch have been dating for almost a month under their noses.

He wasn’t completely sure about how or when to tell them but Nico encouraged that just going for it was probably the best approach. 

“I don’t know Tanner or Kale as well as you but I know that they’ll support us. But maybe, ask Glasser for his opinion?” 

Nico’s suggestion was actually the best because Cody has known Kale and Tanner for as long as Nolan has and already knew about Nico and Nolan.

“You’re the best,” He kissed Nico quickly.

“You’re going now?”

“Before I lose my nerve.”

Chatting about it with Cody went relatively smoothly, despite Kailer’s suggestions that he ought to paint a massive sign that said, “Hisch and I are eloping on a unicorn over the gayest rainbow we can find.” 

Kailer had some other more colourful suggestions that Nolan couldn’t even contemplate but at the end of it Cody gave him some sound advice.

“Just tell them, it’ll be off your chest and then you and Nico can hold hands and all that jazz in public because let’s face it, Tanner and Kale are the only people whose opinions you care about here – other than Nico.”

It was true. Nolan has very rarely cared about other people’s opinions once you got past his family and closest friends. It was incredibly lucky he was like that because otherwise his somewhat manageable anxiety would be completely rampant and incredibly hard to deal with.

He went back to his room to tell Nico that he was going to go tell Tanner and Kale.

Nico even offered to hold Nolan’s hand through it if need be but Nolan just laughed and told Nico that he was fairly sure that he will be just fine.

* * *

He was pacing a little bit as he tried to work out how to word his announcement.

“Seriously bud, you can tell us anything.”

“Yeah, we’d even be chill if you were, like, moving to New Zealand. Though we’d be kind of mad that we’d need a new captain.”

Nolan laughed at that and decided to just go for it, “Nico and I are dating.”

He said it all in a rush but as soon as he finished, he was pulled down onto the bed for a hug from Kale and a noogie from Tanner.

“I’m proud of you, bud.” Kale has never failed to behave like an older brother to Nolan and this moment followed the trend exactly.

“For how long?” Tanner wanted to know and when Nolan told them that he and Nico had been dating for almost a month, they were a little annoyed that they had to wait this long to know, though they accepted that Nolan needed to do things at his own pace.

“Can you imagine all the chirping we’ve missed out on? God, the possibilities. Wait. Does this mean we’re too late to give Hisch the shovel talk?”

“Yes,” Nolan insisted, “Definitely way too late for that. Anyway, Glasser already gave him the abridged version in your names.”

“How come Glasser knows?”

“He and Kailer walked in on us –" 

“Whoa, do not need to know the details.” Tanner interrupted.

“We were kissing. Don’t be a baby.”

Nolan relaxed back on to the bed. The world felt almost in proper order with Kale and Tanner chirping him and demanding all of the details.

They aww’d at all the right places in the story of how he and Nico got together and Kale insisted that he stop more than once through the story because he was going to vomit at how cute they were.

* * *

That night, when Nico was curled around Nolan and Nolan was hugging his favourite pillow, he rolled over, abandoning the pillow to hug Nico.

“I wanna tell my family about us.”

Nico kissed his forehead, “When you’re ready, I’ll be there for you.”

Nolan just smiled and closed his eyes, falling asleep knowing that he has the best boyfriend ever and that he can’t wait for his parents and sisters to meet Nico as his boyfriend instead of just his roommate.

* * *

He told them when they called him on Sunday, to organise them coming to watch the championships and Nolan’s final game of his high school career, which they had already clinched the gold medal game for. They had just over three weeks left of term and they would get their university offers back on the next weekend and the final game is the last weekend of term.

“Um, one other thing. I’m gay – and I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while but it’s just never been quite the right time or –“ He breaks off because he can hear his mum crying, “Mum?”

“I’m sorry for crying, baby. It’s just, we’ve been waiting for you to tell us for a while but we didn’t want to push and I’m just so glad you feel like you can trust us.”

“I love you, Mum.”

“I love you too.”

His dad coughs, “I know this isn’t usually how it goes in movies and stuff but I wanted to say sorry if we have ever pushed you about girls or made you feel uncomfortable in anyway. We had an idea that you might have been gay but that doesn’t mean that we were perfect or that we didn’t make mistakes and say things that were unintentionally homophobic. So, I’m sorry if we ever made you worry about telling us.”

“Never, dad, never. You guys have always been great. It’s just that, I kind of have a boyfriend now and I wanted you guys to know and meet him, officially, when you come down for the gold medal game.”

“Please tell me it’s Nico?” His mum still sounded a bit teary but she also sounded so worried that it might not be Nico. Nolan almost wanted to laugh, of course his parents had worked it out before he had. 

“It’s Nico.”

“Good, I’m so glad. I’ll make a batch of those cookies he likes when we come down.”

Nolan grinned, he was a little teary himself, to be honest, but he was glad his mum was happy and that they were okay with everything. There was no reason for him to think that his parents wouldn’t be okay with him being gay but it was still such a relief to know that they were happy for him.

“I’d give him the dad talk, but I already know I don’t need to. He’s good for you, Nolan, and I’m glad he makes you happy.”

“He does, dad, he really does.” 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so super sorry for how long this has taken. I'm in the middle of graduating and it's been rather stressful.  
> The tenses are a bit all over the place but that's just the way it's gonna be.

Despite the ups and downs of the hockey season, the losses that they have had to endure – both of games and guys who they have lost to injury, they have a killer team, who were more than capable of winning this thing.

Nolan honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if some of their guys on the team ended up playing in the NHL – Kailer, despite his small stature, definitely had the potential and if Nolan’s honest, so does Nico – even if Nolan hated thinking about Nico leaving him. He knows that Nico always says that they’re going off to university together but what happens when Nico gets a great offer that he can’t turn down. What happens when Nico chooses to go somewhere where Nolan can’t follow him?

The gold medal game was less than a week away and Coach has been running them into the ground. Nolan really didn’t have time to be worrying about anything other than the second power play unit and how much he could brush up on his hockey for one last stand against which ever school they’re going to face. He’s fairly sure it will be the OIHL – known by all other schools in the same league as the Oil, for obvious reasons and not just because their last captain now plays for the Edmonton Oilers – but really, the French Canadian team also had a fair shot at the gold medal game this year.

Nolan needed to focus on hockey but sometimes – well, often – he just wanted to curl up and hide himself away in Nico and the comfort of their dorm room.

* * *

It’s a Saturday which meant that they had the whole day off with no hockey but that doesn’t mean that there wasn’t anything to stress about. Nolan spent the entire day fussing because he has put absolutely everything he can into his school work and extra-curriculars this year, but that doesn’t mean that any of the universities that he had applied to are even going to want him or even that his marks would be good enough to get him into his first preference degree.

It doesn’t help that they get their university offers back at dinner.

It’s a big deal and the headmaster comes around and hands them out. It’s another one of these big WIHL traditions but not necessarily one Nolan is looking forward to.

He’s fussing, bouncing around the room and unable to focus on the book that he’s been reading – one about Manet and his impact on the art world, something a bit out of Nolan’s normal reading range but still very interesting. It was so bad that Nico sent him outside to join in on the pick-up game of soccer that was happening in the courtyard under their window.

It did help in that he burnt enough nervous energy off that he could read a bit more of his book before dinner and distract himself with that for a while – that and being able to rest his head in Nico’s lap while his boyfriend emailed his parents about the end of year celebrations and how it’s okay that they won’t be there, he promises.

* * *

At the dinner table, Nolan’s leg was bouncing under the table and despite Nico promising earlier that they’d go to the same university and be roommates and keep playing hockey, Nolan was still kind of worried that Nico will get better university offers and choose his future over Nolan. He knows that it’s a totally irrational fear and that it’s a dumb thing to worry about but his brain isn’t exactly his biggest fan and does not like him sleeping easily.

So in short, he’s a nervous wreck and Nico has to hold his hands to stop him from shredding his napkin to tiny pieces or picking at his nails until they bleed.

No one looks twice at Nico and Nolan holding hands because they’re all nervous and you gotta do what you gotta do to stay calm, though Kale does have a slightly fond look on his face and Tanner raises an eyebrow suggestively at them, though Nolan just ignores that in favour of switching his focus between Nico and Headmaster Gretzky. Nico is completely reassuring and so gentle with Nolan; whereas, Headmaster Gretzky’s face gives absolutely nothing away though he must have some idea of how they have all gone.

His and Nico’s offers are handed over at the same time, alongside the dry and identical congratulations that Gretzky offers everyone.

Nolan shuffles through his quickly. Rejection letters don’t come for another week so he only has three envelopes in front of him. Edmonton, Vancouver, and, to his surprise, NYU, have all accepted him.

Nico pushes his pile of envelopes towards Nolan slightly. His boyfriend has Vancouver, Toronto, Boston, Edmonton, NYU and Montreal envelopes in front of him. Of course Nico got into more colleges, and Nico has talked about Montreal all year. Nolan’s heart goes absolutely nuts against his ribcage. He wants to run out of the room as badly as his heart wants to run out of his chest but Nico’s hand in his and the proud words that his boyfriend is offering about Nolan’s offers keep him pinned in his seat.

And so, once they are safely secreted in their dorm room again, and Nolan can breathe slightly more easily, they look over the letters from Edmonton, Vancouver and NYU together as soon as they are dismissed from dinner.

Edmonton is out almost immediately because the hockey team isn’t great and they’ve asked Nolan to do a bridging course to get into the combined History and Business degree that he wants to do. Nico is offended that they would even ask that of Nolan because Nolan is too smart and how did they even think that Nico could make it in his course if they asked Nolan to do a bloody bridging course.

So they’re tossing up between Vancouver and NYU.

Both universities have great academic programs and decent hockey teams but then Nolan finds the extra sheet of paper in his NYU application.

It’s an offer for a scholarship for him to do his degree with a grant that would cover all of his text books and half of his tuition. Nolan hadn’t even applied for this scholarship and as he scans the letter, his eyes go large and round because it isn’t a scholarship you apply for, it’s one that your school nominates you for. Clearly, the school thinks highly of their hockey captain and the dux of both ancient and modern history because they’ve not only offered him up for the award of this grant, he’s gotten it. 

Nico is beyond proud of him because it’s not only off academic achievement but also a recommendation through his academic teachers. Their history teachers had recommended Nolan on the basis that he always worked hard and was always passionate about the subject matter and wanted to pursue a career in history no matter how many people told him he’d be better off doing sports medicine or something like that. And so the History faculty had chosen to award him a bursary.

Nico had smiled brightly and hugged him, “So it’s settled. We’re going to NYU.”

* * *

Some of the pre gold medal game practices were so rough that not only Nolan but half of the team felt like throwing up afterwards. Nico and Nolan barely even had the energy to kiss one another on the cheek as they fell into bed most nights, let alone initiate anything more. Despite that, they still pressed in close to one another and clung as they battled through to their last few weeks of school. Nolan was exhausted but also super excited because his family were coming to watch the gold medal game and stay through to graduation the next week.

They had booked a small cabin just outside of Newman’s Inlet for the week and would arrive on Thursday afternoon. Nolan was pacing around the room when they were scheduled to arrive because they had organised to take him and Nico on dinner leave for Thursday night and then the game was on Friday. He knew that his family adored Nico but even so, they had never met Nico as his boyfriend and he was slightly worried that his family would endeavour to give Nico some variation of the shovel talk.

“Calm down, Muusli. I already love your family. It will be fine.” Nico soothes as he tugs Nolan down into the bean bag tucked into the corner of their room.

“I know but-“

“It will be fine, I promise.”

* * *

It is fine, of course. They find a charming little restaurant that caters for a retired professional hockey player, four current hockey players and one very fed up mum.

It’s a lovely environment and Nolan’s family are exactly like they were at Christmas – ready to fold Nico up into family life and shower him with love, which is the best way Nolan could have imagined tonight going and the way his mum smiles fondly when Nico puts an arm around Nolan, and asks if he’d like to share the apple crumble for dessert, is just the icing on the cake because it shows just how okay she is with all of this.

She tries to talk them into having a serving of apple crumble each but despite it being the end of the season and time to eat as many carbs as possible – apple crumble is still not good carbs and so they stick to sharing one.

They go for a walk through Newman’s Inlet after dinner, enjoying the tranquillity of the quintessentially Canadian frontier town and soaking up each other’s company.

Nolan takes a moment to stare up at the night sky and wonder how he got so lucky. He had a loving supportive family, an amazing boyfriend and he’d just gotten a scholarship to one of the best schools in America.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all this is the last chapter and there is a bit where Nolan gets pretty angsty and Nico does his best to deal with it but for the most part, we're sunshine and roses.  
> Thanks to my little sister and my group chat for encouraging me through this whole thing!

Nolan can barely remember any of the gold medal game, though the things that he does recall are clear and sharp in his mind. The snick of his skates cutting into the ice for that first shift, the sound of the puck ringing off the goal post and in – thank god, the yelling after Nico scored the game winning goal, these things that he does remember will stick with him for a good long time – he knows that much.

But the best part was raising the cup and Nico kissing him, right there on the ice in front of everyone and Nolan not giving a single shit about it. All he had wanted to do was celebrate and kiss his boyfriend and screw the homophobic assholes in the crowd.

It’s a good feeling and even better is hanging on to Nico’s hand as Nolan’s family swamp them both with congratulations and hugs.

* * *

It’s late now but that just means that it’s early in Switzerland and Nico can skype his parents with Nolan pressed against his side, sleep warm and cuddly.

He tells them, in a rush of excited Swiss German that they won and that he scored, or at least that’s what Nolan assumes Nico is telling them.

He talks to them a little bit but he’s really fading fast now and Nico pushes him away and into bed so he can go to sleep. Nico promises to keep it down but Nolan promises that he doesn’t mind, he’ll be out like a light in a few minutes anyway.

Nico tones down the volume anyway and after Nolan says goodnight to them all, dropping an affectionate kiss on Nico’s forehead, he even dims the brightness on his laptop.

Nolan falls asleep to the soft wash of Nico talking to his family in happy Swiss German and yeah, Nolan could definitely get used to this.

* * *

Nolan lies on top of Nico while the other boy is trying to study and whines obnoxiously at him about being bored.

“That’s nice, Muusli,” Nico murmurs agreeably and Nolan is – he feels – suitably miffed.  
“You aren’t even listening to me.”  
“Nope, I’m studying for Chemistry.”  
“Urgh,” Nolan falls off the bed and lies on the ground, not only bored but also put out. Chemistry really isn’t more important than he is, is it?  
He asks Nico this after a while of sitting on the ground and sulking.

“No, it isn’t but Chemistry will be over by tomorrow afternoon – I’m planning on keeping you around forever.”  
Nolan can’t even reply to that, too busy hiding his giant smile and flushed cheeks in his hands.  
Nico reaches over to push Nolan’s hands away and smile back.

“Love you,” Nolan blurts out before he even realises that he’s about to say it. He blushes even redder and drops his head – they haven’t been dating nearly long enough for him to say that but Nico is beaming when Nolan peaks up at him through his hands.  
“Love you too, Schatzeli. But I do really have to study.”

Nico kisses his forehead and pushes him towards his own bed and Nolan goes, content to lie on his bed and listen to music. He’s can help the giant smile that spreads across his face as he flicks through the songs on his and Nico’s shared Spotify playlist and here’s the familiar notes to that Shawn Mendes song Nico is always playing.

The soft whistling is a happy background to the champagne bubbles that are filling Nolan’s chest. He rolls onto his side to look at Nico and mull over just how lucky he is. He has Nico and it feels like all of life is golden – the gold medals hanging side by side on their pin board, his boundless love for Nico and the broken seals on their NYU acceptance letters. Not only is life now golden but the future feels that way too and Nolan will, as Shawn Mendes is singing, “never be alone” because he’ll always have Nico. And maybe that isn’t realistic but Nolan doesn’t care, he’s just happy.

* * *

The last few days absolutely fly by and soon, it’s the day before they graduate and Nolan’s parents are dragging them out to dinner at the same pub as before the gold medal game. They’re sitting down, looking through the menu when Nico makes an amazed sound and leaps out of his chair. Nolan stares up in surprise at where Nico's family are coming across to their table and then across at his parents who are looking awfully smug and self-satisfied. Nico is hugging his parents and siblings and then coming back around to tug Nolan out of his chair, “Come on Muusli, come meet my family.”

Nolan is as shy as he normally is with new people, though it is a bit easier because he’s talked to the Hischier’s over Skype and they have already heard all about him and his weird quirks from Nico.  
Still, he’s quiet during dinner, just leaning against Nico and speaking when spoken too. He’s tired, Nico tells them – stayed up late trying to make sure his final English assignment was perfect. But while it is true that he stayed up late trying to finish his essay, he definitely isn’t tired – just shy and a little tongue tied.

Nico chirps him for it a bit, once they are back in their room after a lovely dinner.  
“You know my parents will love you no matter what? You don’t need to be shy around them,” Nico reassures.  
“I know – I just can’t help it. I tried, I promise. I’m not trying to be awkward, really.” Nolan’s breath sounds sharp and reedy as he tugs at his sleeves and tries not to shake.  
“Oh, Muusli, I didn’t mean that you didn’t do well. They probably didn’t even notice that you were anxious.” Nico tugs at the hem of Nolan’s sweater until his boyfriend crumbles and sits down on the bed next to him. Nolan tucks his face into Nico’s shoulder as he shakes – he isn’t crying, sometimes the nerves just build up too much and he ends up with a whole body tremor as he tries to deal with it.

“You’re doing so well – it’s okay that you are anxious about meeting them. I know meeting new people is scary for you.”  
“I wish it wasn’t,” Nolan bites out, frustrated with himself.  
Nico’s next breath is sharp. He’s hurting for Nolan but at the same time, he’s glad that his boyfriend is opening up about this because Nolan always tries to brush past the innate anxiety that he carries.  
“It just sucks that I can’t just talk to people and I have to worry about every little thing that happens.”

Nico just holds Nolan, he can feel that this is the start of a rant and sure enough, after another deep breath, Nolan spills all these insecurities and frustrations.  
Nico just holds him until he’s done, carding a hand through his hair and making appropriate listening sounds as he takes it all in. Once Nolan is done though, Nico steps in.

“I have no clue how all that feels for you but it sucks that you feel that way and all I can do is be there for you as much as possible. And as much as it probably doesn’t help, I love you so much, Muusli, with your anxiety and all. Because it’s gross but every day I get to see how strong you are because you go out there and do things that you’re scared of, even though you are scared, just because you know they have to be done. And I respect you so much for the way you are always fighting. So, as shit as it is, I’m gonna be here always to help you fight and to tell you you’re always going to be beautiful and perfect in my eyes.”

Nolan lists into Nico’s side even more and just asks, quietly, if they can go to bed now, he can’t cope with any more emotions.  
“Of course, Muusli. Come on, you need to move so I can get the covers up.”

* * *

The next afternoon, their parents are making them stand with the arms around each other’s shoulders with their graduation scrolls and the biggest smiles on their faces. They are officially finished and can take on the great wide world – or at least, can take on university.

Nico is headed back to Switzerland for a while but his parents have already invited Nolan to come and stay with them for a while and see where Nico grew up.  
Nico’s mum wraps an arm around Nico and promises Nolan that there are heaps of embarrassing baby photos of Nico for him to see when he comes to visit and that he and Nico can take a weekend trip to Paris.

“That would be nice,” Nolan’s mum chips in, “A romantic getaway in Paris.”  
Nolan goes scarlet but holds Nico’s hand as they head away from school for the last time and thinks, yeah, a romantic weekend in Paris sounds amazing and from the soft smile on Nico’s face and the way he squeezes Nolan’s hand, he’s fairly sure that his boyfriend agrees with him.


End file.
